Goodbye Post

I've put this off for a long, long time. Honestly, I should have written the end of the blog a month and a half ago and I'm not sure why I didn't. Maybe it's because I didn't want to say bye. Maybe I'm just that lazy. Either way I'm going back to school on Saturday for my sophomore year so I figure my freshman year blog should probably end pretty soon.

Don't get me wrong though, I've been thinking about what I'm going to say all summer.

There were a few important lessons I learned this year.

1. STUDY. I think this is the most important. I learned this the hard way a.k.a. a few bad test grades. But when I actually studied, I did well. High school was such a breeze, but don't think that college is the same like I did. You will be sorely disappointed in yourself like I was.

2. Know your boundaries. This applies to everything. Know how late you can stay up and still make it to class the next day. Know how much TV you can watch and still get your work done. Know how often you can go out and manage class and homework. Know how much you can consume and still be in control. Know how far you're willing to go with someone else. Don't ever do anything you're not comfortable with. You'll hate yourself for it later. I didn't necessarily learn all these the hard way, and I'm actually really proud of myself for understanding a lot of these boundaries already. But some people do learn the hard way. Just know that you don't have to.

3. Learn to manage your time. My best advice on this is to KEEP A PLANNER. I had so many things going on this year that it really made me appreciate keeping up with my planner. I had a daily to-do list hanging up by my door that really helped me as well. Anything that helps you keep your mind on track and in tact.

4. Join clubs that interest you and put yourself out there. I met so many great people through the different organizations and clubs I joined. And between all the class time and homework and tests to study for and papers to write, finding time to do something you enjoy with other people who enjoy it helped me to keep myself focused and, well, sane.

5. Never compromise yourself, but don't be afraid to let yourself grow up and change. When I was in high school, I would hear all kinds of stories of people going to college and becoming different people and no one liked them anymore. I swore to myself that I would never do that. But after freshman year was over, my friend from home told me I had changed and said it was bad and I saw it from another perspective. All I've done is I've given myself a chance to make mistakes. When I was growing up and all through high school, I never did anything bad. I never stepped out of line or colored in the wrong places or anything because I was always terrified of disappointing someone. In some ways, I still am. But you guys know the butterfly analogy by now. I've really changed into someone who is comfortable with herself, and the fact that I've done things in the past year that I never would have before doesn't make me a bad person. So while you shouldn't change so drastically that you go from being a kind person to being a complete douche all the time or a hermit to a heroin addict, you shouldn't be afraid to grow up. I feel so much better about myself now than I did a year ago.

I haven't decided if I'm going to write another blog for next year. On the one hand its actually gotten me into a few awkward, embarassing and down right bad situations. Sometimes people ask me things about something I said and I really didn't want them to know anymore than what I wrote. Awkward. There was something with one of the guys that I had a crush on where another guy told a whole bunch of guys what he read and that he knew who it was and the guy that it was was sitting right there. Embarassing. There was a mishap with something involving my job. Down. Right. Bad.

But this blog has done a lot for me, too. A friend that reads this blog who is from another state told her friend about the blog and now someone I don't even know that lives hundreds of miles away reading about my life thinking its interesting. What a freaking confidence boost. I've had so many people ask me when my next post will be and tell me they keep up with my blog. I guess the blog just made me feel important in that way. It was also like an outlet too. There were very few people I met this year that I really talked to openly and about anything, and not really anyone I just call when I want to talk. So being able to let out my feelings in this way was really therapeutic. And I'd like to think that someone somewhere read something in this blog and learned from a mistake I made or a lesson I learned myself. Seriously, if that's happened to any of you, please tell me. That will make me the happiest person alive.

I guess I can make up my mind about that later. But for now its time to say adieu. I hope something I've written at some point has helped you in some way. God bless.

xoxo

Overworked and Underpaid

The title might not be completely true, but that doesn't mean I'm not exhausted. We've been getting up early for about a week now to start work at nine in the morning and we've been working until five almost every day. After the past two days, I now know what its like to have a 9-5 office job complete with boring meetings and a tedious work load. I've been clipping lanyards and stuffing envelopes for two days straight. Its not hard, but its very mundane.

I'm just ready for orientations to actually start. I'm nervous though. I have a small student group for the first session that starts on Sunday night. I've seen the envelopes of a lot of my students already, so I'll recognize names when they get here. I've got some really weird names in my group, which will definitely be interesting.

Other than being tired, I've been having a lot of fun. Hanging out with the other OLs, there's never really a dull moment.

I was going to write more, but I can barely keep my eyes open at this point so I'm going to cut it short. More updates to come.

xoxo

Back Home

And by 'home' I don't mean home. I mean Wilmington.

I finally got back this afternoon and moved into the dorm and unpacked and I'm HERE. Thank God. I'm ready for this OL thing to start. This is what we've been training and working for all semester. I'm so ready. I'm so excited. I'm so...I'm just so.

Right now I'm sitting in my room like a hermit though because I haven't finished reading this book we were supposed to have read. I had all week to do it, but Grey's Anatomy is more interesting. Actually Grey's sounds really tempting right now, but I'm forcing myself to focus.

I really should probably stop watching that show. Although its probably too late, I've seen too many episodes. Its turned me into a bit of a hypochondriac. Every time I have a weird headache, I think I have a brain clot. Last night my stomach was cramping a little and I convinced myself I was bleeding internally even though I probably just didn't cook that sausage completely yesterday. Its a little pathetic, but really. There are always these patients in the hospital that have nothing wrong with them and then they die. One lady came in with a seemingly terminal hiccups, and they sent her home and she came back with something worse but it was too late and she died. She DIED from the hiccups. God forbid I get the hiccups after I've seen that episode.

Anyway, I'm just rambling now to avoid reading but I suppose I should get back to it.

xoxo

Hi.

I unofficially decided to take a break from blogging for a few days (maybe longer, I don't remember) but I'm back now! I haven't forgotten though. I just haven't known what to say until now.

I've been thinking a lot about the end of this blog. That's actually a really depressing thing to say/type. But this blog is about my amazing fantastic, totally radical...whatever, its about my freshman year. And technically my freshman year is over (OH MY GOD MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE IS OVER. Okay, done freaking out). I honestly considered just posting one post that said "THE END" but I decided that would be awkward and end up being more like a never ending cliff hanger. I also thought about posting a long post tying all the loose ends I've left over the course of the blog. Then I realized that really the year isn't over. I still have the rest of this month and the whole month of June because you obviously know I'm an OL and I'll have a lot of exciting things happening for a little while longer. So...

Ceeeeelebrate good times, come on!

So to catch you up, Kyla and I went down to Florida after I moved out of the dorm last week to help out my grandma. She broke her foot two weeks ago so she's had trouble keeping the house clean and taking care of my grandpa. Anyway, she paid us for our work, not to mention bought us pedicures and facials and bought me a Fossil crossbody (I've been DYING to own one for many moons now) and basically pampered and spoiled us in any way her restricted body movement could manage (it doesn't take a lot of movement to hand over the credit card). So we had a really nice time. I don't get spoiled by anyone else in my life like that. But that's what grandmas are for, really.

Yesterday and today we had transfer orientations going on at the school. We don't actually move in for the summer until next Friday, so I stayed with Taylor (another OL) because she has an apartment off campus. I like transfer orientation. I don't actually lead a small group, so that was less stress there. Plus all the people transferring in are at the very least sophomores. Which means all the girls on the team were gushing about all the gorgeous guys coming in. That was fun.

So I was talking to a cute guy today. He was flirting with me so hard. Like, every time he would walk past me he'd pinch my waist, we were playing around with each other the whole time during the advising session, he brought up what kind of phone I have just so I would pull it out and he could call himself from it and exchange numbers, and he was always looking at me. Always. And when I would make eye contact he would hold my gaze for so long I had to look away because...well I don't really know why, but I'm no good at staring contests. They tend to get awkward. But we would just be looking at each other for a good ten seconds at the time, which is actually a really long time to just look at someone across the room. He's kind of different though. He doesn't like Facebook all that much, and when he put his name in my phone he said, "But I DON'T text." I'm not sure exactly what that means. We have time to develop this further. The main thing at this point is that I don't overthink everything and rush things in my mind. I'm getting much better about doing that. I think that's what they call "growing up." I'm trying it out a little, you know, testing the waters and all that.

Well I'm off to call my lovely cousin Madison and update her on my life.

I'm glad I came back.

xoxo

Opening Night

Now Playing: Stand Up - One Direction

I have seriously been so busy lately I've been planning when I can breathe. So sorry I haven't blogged in a while.

The main thing in my life is that TONIGHT IS THE OPENING NIGHT FOR WORKING!! I can't believe it. I'm finally going to be back on the stage (sort of...our stage set up is a bit unorthodox) and in front of an audience. I'm so incredibly excited but I'm nervous at the same time I want to throw up (too much?). Right now I'm just sitting on my bed blogging to you guys because my hair and make up are done. I probably started it a bit early, but oh well. I'm just so excited.

Rehearsals have been taking up my whole life. I've hardly had time to do homework or anything else. In that sense, I'm really glad its almost over. But at the same time, the cast has really bonded and I'm going to miss them a lot. Plus, I won't get to be on stage again until I audition for another play and get a part. Anyway, I love rehearsal time. I remember the first rehearsal. It was so unorganized and no one knew what they were doing. Now we have a show. And its a damn good show.

There's not a lot of other news. I'm just ready for the semester to be over. Two more days of classes, four exams, and then you can stick a fork in me cause I will be a crispy golden-brown DONE. I also get to go home Monday night, which I'm kind of excited about. My sister, Rachal, is being confirmed that night. I'll probably stay until Wednesday just because I can. I think I like being home so much now because being at school is associated with stress and work and I don't like those things. Being at home is associated with doing nothing and relaxing. I like those things.

Next Wednesday I'm auditioning for a play the theatre department is producing next semester. Its about Zorro. Too cool. So I'm excited about that.

Oh, one more thing. They turned me down for the Seahawk Link thing. I was kind of upset, but I kind of expected it too since I couldn't make it to the training dates. It'll be okay, I'll just try again next year.

Okay, I killed just enough time to freshen my make up and leave! WISH ME LUCK!

xoxo

Crunch Time

The year is winding down, and EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING AT ONCE. I've got finals coming up in less than two weeks, my play opens next Thursday, and all the real orientation stuff is about to start next month. Plus I'll be doing a lot of moving and cleaning in the next few weeks/months. And as always, I'm so overwhelmed that I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

Everytime I start to feel like I have a lot going on, I just stop being productive. Earlier today instead of copying sociology notes or doing psychology homework or reading for my honors seminar or working on my stuff for my play, I watched One Direction videos online. For three hours. THREE HOURS. I could have gotten so much done, but I just...didn't. I think what I really need to start doing is skipping Friends from 11:00-1:00 AM...and GO TO BED. I just don't sleep ever. I go to sleep at two and get up at nine. It sounds like a lot of hours but really its not. Especially since I got zero sleep Thrusday through Saturday nights. I can't even focus on finishing this freaking blog post. So. Stressed. Out.

So...goodnight.

Now Playing: Vulnerable - Secondhand Serenade

I've been staring at my screen for a very long time because for some reason I can't put to words what I just realized. Not that its an incredible, life-changing epiphany or anything. Its significant enough that I want to blog about it, though.

First, I must say that I had an awesome weekend because my best friend in the whole world Alex finally came and visited Wilmington! She came on Thursday and left today, and last night we and Anna stayed at a hotel in Myrtle Beach. We seriously had an incredible time. I miss hanging out with her so much.

Okay. Its about to get kind of serious.

So I've been feeling pretty desperate to find a boyfriend lately and I'm not really sure why, but more importantly I don't really know what to do about it. I feel like I've been handling it weirdly and I'm not getting any happier or any less desperate. But last night I finally met a guy who was actually really sweet and respectful. And attractive! And even though I'm not going to date/marry/have kids with him for a variety of reasons, it just kind of made me realize that boys like him exist and it is possible for them to be single and attracted to me too. I just have to wait to find one I can keep.

Okay, serious time over. Whew. Anyway, I'm warding off bad boys for good now. I'm feeling much more confident and much less desperate now. Thanks to this boy that I'll never see again.

Funny how things work out sometimes.

xoxo

Long time, no blog

I have been so incredibly busy I haven't even had time to blog! Which probably isn't completely true, I'm sure I could have made time. But I haven't felt like I've had anything to tell you guys.

Easter break was really nice. I haven't actually been excited to go home, but last week I was dying to go and I actually didn't want to leave on Sunday. I could have stayed a few more days. Not forever, or even a long time, but definitely a few more days. I went bowling with my family and ice skating with my friends from high school. I got to hang out with my old youth group. And I got to stay up really late and sleep in. It was relaxing.

I have a story though. I was debating on whether I would tell this story or not, and I've decided that I will. So remember the guy I told you about, the one from home that I was head over heels for for a long time? Well we had plans to hang out last Thursday. He came over and we just watched TV and joked and laughed and had a splendid time. That is, until he tried to kiss me. HE TRIED TO EFFING KISS ME. Where was he when I was writing sappy love songs about him and dying inside because he didn't want to be with me? When I was thinking about him nonstop and telling myself that one day, when he finally grew up, we would get married? He just had to wait until I finally rid myself of romantic feelings for him and replaced them with completely plantonic ones. Honestly, I was mainly proud of myself for not kissing him (which means we've still never kissed...I'd just like to point out my patheticness). For a long time, when I still had feelings for him but denied it, I told myself I wanted to kiss him just to see what it would be like, just to see what all the years of emotional rollercoastering built up to. But the point is that I still had feelings for him then.

And may I just say that when he text me later saying he was trying to kiss me, it felt SO GOOD to reject him. May I say that? Well I don't care. I said it. It wasn't necessarily like revenge, but it was like the new me (Via, if you will) got to do something that the old me (aka Olivia) never had the heart or backbone to do. It just reminded me how much I've grown. And also, Rachal told me there's some girl at school that's supposedly his girlfriend. Its not listed on Facebook, but I'm definitely not getting into that kind of drama no matter what.

On another note, I'm in the middle of another hell week. I had a French test today (which I actually feel pretty good about!), I have a Chemistry test tomorrow, and I have a Psychology test on Friday. Plus we have rehearsal every day but Saturday from now until show time. Plus there's all this extra stuff I have to do at home for the play, such as memorize a few extra lines and practice all the songs I'm in, singing and blocking. Plus all my classes this semester have regular online homework. Plus I'm in the middle of writing a play for my honors seminar, which is the only actual grade we're getting in that class so it has to be good. Plus we have an OL training thing on Saturday. Plus Alex is coming tomorrow to see me and Anna and she wants to go off and do a bunch of fun things since she's on spring break. Plus I have to eat and breathe to live.

CRAZY.
I have one more thing I want to talk about. I'm possibly going to audition for The X Factor: USA in a few weeks. ...!!!!! I can't believe it. They're coming to Greensboro. GREENSBORO, NORTH CAROLINA. This is seriously never going to happen again. This is only season two of the America version of the show, and last season the closest they came to here was Nashville. But they're coming to North Carolina this year! I swear, it was like it was meant to be. I really, really want to go audition in person, and I half convinced my mom of my plan. But she has to convince my dad, and its going to be hard. But the good news is if I can't go to the Greensboro audition, I can send in a video online! That's never the best option, but its better than nothing. I only have about four days left to send in a video though, so I NEED Mom to make a decision really soon. As in, she should have made it today. I'm just so nervous. I want to do this so bad, but there's a lot of things getting in the way. I just have a really good feeling about it. And I'm very intuitive.

Well I had more to talk about than I thought. I'm going to try to keep up with this better, I promise! I'd like to end this blog with a collection of lessons I've learned within the past week: Boys want what they can't have. Keep breathing, keep moving, and you'll make it out alive. And where there's a will, there's always a way.

xoxo

Lent

The past few weeks, I have felt so off. I have zero energy. I have zero motivation. I can't focus on anything. I've developed a chronic headache. I have to literally drag myself out of bed at the last minute to do anything, morning or not. I feel like a complete waste of a life at the moment because I'm being so unproductive. And I'm hungry ALL THE TIME, even though I've been putting on weight.

This is all thanks to my Lenten promise of eating no meat.

For the past almost forty days, I have eaten no meat (okay, I cheated one Sunday and had a chicken wing, but it was only one and I actually felt really bad about it later because I had been doing so well and I'm really upset with myself because now I can't say that I went all forty days without meat). My iron and protein levels are so low, its causing my freaking grades to slip. I don't even know what to do. Thank GOD Lent is over next week and I can go back to my happy, upbeat, carnivorous self.

My French grades are especially suffering. I went from an A on the first test to...not good on the most recent one. They have literally been slipping down a hill. They've been getting worse and worse and I feel like I can't stop that. I really tried studying for the last one, but to no avail. Now I have another one tomorrow. I'm so nervous this one is going to be even worse than the last one. Pretty soon I'm going to actually be failing. FAILING. I can't fail! I feel like I'm going NUTS. All my grades are doing the same thing and I feel so helpless because I'm JUST. SO. TIRED.

...rampage much. Sorry. On the bright side of things, a guy I follow on twitter is, at some point, giving away two tickets and backstage passes to a ONE DIRECTION CONCERT!! I'm DYING. He hasn't posted the details yet, but those tickets are MINE.

If only I could feel that motivated about studying...

xoxo

I want a baker

Why are all boys such jerks? I mean...no thats exactly what I mean. Are there really no guys out there that actually want to have a relationship or actually care about girls at all? I just don't understand why guys don't seem to ever have emotions. Its not that hard to feel.

Maybe I'm just desparate. Maybe thats why I keep looking for different boys, even if I'm not looking in the right places. Maybe I'll take anything.

And maybe my desparation and frustration are the reasons why I'm in love with a fictional character. Peeta Mellark. I wish boys like him existed. I wish someone like him loved me the way he loves Katniss. Its quite pathetic that I dream about fictional characters like this, I know. But can you blame me? Especially since they put Josh Hutcherson's face to the name. Anyway, Peeta is perfect. He's gentle and kind and confident and always says the right thing. Boys like that don't exist in the real world. And I blame authors and movie script writers and all those people that invent perfect boys for my high expectations.

All I know is that Via isn't good at dealing with her boy frustrations. But then again, Olivia isn't either. Maybe I need a new identity. So I guess I'm going to go crawl back into my cocoon now and hope I come out more secure and unflappable this time.

xoxo

Friday

I think this is the first Friday that really feels like a Friday. I like it.

I've had a very productive day. I took two tests today, finished the Hunger Games book series, cried a lot because the book was so sad/happy/over (and by a lot, I mean it was pathetic), went to the beach, got a tan line even though it was late afternoon and there was a cold breeze that kept goosebumps on my whole body more than the sun warmed me, and now I'm getting ready to go see The Hunger Games movie!

All I ever want to do now is talk about The Hunger Games. Its really sad. But I just love it. Kudos to Suzanne Collins for bringing out my obsessive side. This happens sometimes. I go through these phases...my longest one yet was the Jonas Brothers. That was about a three year long, all I thought about and all I talked about and all I did on the internet was watch their videos over and over and write fan fiction stories about them kind of obsession. But I was like, 13 or 14. Totally acceptable. Still weird, but acceptable nonetheless.

Anyway, off to The Hunger Games! Eep!

xoxo

Picking right back up

Today was very busy for me. Classes from 10-3:15, Seahawk Link group interview from 5-7:30, Working rehearsal from 7-10 (I got there late, obviously). I was so pooped when I got back, I couldn't even think about doing homework. So I read for a while and took a nice shower.

The group interview went pretty well. Kenzie was in the same one as me, and she said I did well. She did well also. I felt the same about that one that I did after the one for OL, so thats probably a good thing. But there were more people in this interview that I felt competition from (is that wrong to feel? I don't know. Not saying I didn't like them, they were just doing really well, which is not good for me) than when I did my OL group interview. But I really just have to blow them away in my individual interview next Tuesday and I should be golden. As long as they don't cut me beforehand. After all, there are two of the three mandatory training dates that I won't be able to be there the whole time. They're on the same days as my Working performances. Which makes me really nervous.

Rehearsal went well also. It was fun! I've missed doing stuff like learning all the different parts of harmonies to songs and being in a group of people that I share important interests with. They were really awesome. Plus Bruno (OL that is on the dance committee also...not sure if I've mentioned him before) is in the musical, so I'll at least have one friend. I love Bruno, he's awesome. But I was talking to two of the other girls in the cast and they were both really nice. And one of the guys in the cast is pretty attractive, so at least my eyes will have some candy. We have rehearsal again tomorrow and Wednesday night. Honestly, I have no clue when I'm going to eat on Wednesday. But I guess it will be the same as today, so I suppose I'll manage. I just hope I find time to do all the homework thats due on Friday and study for my two tests on Friday.

Sigh. My life just got really busy again. I had a wonderful week of rest, and then got thrown into a fiery week of hell. Once again...sigh.

Thank God I don't have class tomorrow until two. I suppose I'll get up and do some homework and wash clothes or something. But at least I get to sleep in a little. I value the time I get to sleep. Maybe I won't get up early...

Speaking of sleep...I need some now. Goodnight!

Post Spring Break

Now Playing: Sara Bareilles - Say You're Sorry

I hate when I stop blogging every day and have way too much to catch you guys up on. Well, not a WHOLE lot happened over break, but it was definitely fun. I went down to my grandma's in Florida on Monday with Anna. My grandma absolutely spoiled me. She paid for everything while I was there, took us out to eat every night, took me shopping, paid for a facial and a pedicure...I don't know what I'd do without her. I feel so relaxed now, like I could take on anything. Including the rest of this semester. As much as I don't want to be back in school yet, I will never get over how happy I am when I'm in Wilmington. And I just feel like I can finish this year with a real bang now.

In addition to all the goodies Grandma supplied, Anna and I went up to Gainesville (which is where UF, the Gators, reside) and went clubbing on Thursday night. We met a guy that worked at the Outback the night before while eating there with Grandma and we met up with him Thursday. He and his roommates were really nice. He was very complimentary as well. And one of his roommates was gorgeous. Anyway, Friday Anna and I met my wonderful cousin Madison and her friend in Clearwater Beach. It was breathtakingly gorgeous there. There was a bridge that curved around, connecting Clearwater the city to Clearwater Beach, and the view from the bridge was just something else entirely. Its gulf water there, so it was bright blue and peaceful. And it was such a beautiful day too. So we had a good couple of hours at the beach, then went back to Madison's house and picked up my other cousin Darian to go out to eat. I miss them so much, so I'm especially grateful I got to see them for a little while. So over all, my spring break was pretty amazing.

There's this guy. I used to practically be in love with him. For a really long time, in fact. We used to be best friends, but for some reason we never had the right timing. He would like me when I didn't feel the same, I would like him when he was trying to be with some other girl. We've never dated, we've never even kissed, but somehow he used to have this leash on me that, anytime I would pull away, he would push a little button and pull me right back to him. This went on for years, and I always thought that one day we'd actually both want to be with each other at the same time. But then I found out a lot of bad things about him, and I got really pissed off and told him not to talk to me again. I think that was mainly me being angry at the fact that we hadn't really tried to make anything work between us before, and I always had that hope that something would happen and it always ended up being crushed to pieces. That was the end of last school year. The next time I talked to him was two days after my birthday in December. By then I wasn't angry anymore, but I was scared to even have a conversation with him because I thought that leash was still tight around my neck. But I had one conversation with him in which he told me happy birthday, and it was pleasant, and it was over. His birthday was yesterday. And I knew that if I didn't tell him happy birthday, I'd feel like the biggest douche alive. So I text him and we had a really nice talk. He said he missed me, I said I miss us being best friends. Which I do, because he's so funny and we always make each other laugh. Then he said he wanted to see me when I got home (we were still on our way back at this point). I had to really think about it. Part of me wanted to see him too, but was that the leash? Or was that the nostalgic part of me that just missed him because he's, well, him? I decided to let him come see me. We ended up hanging out for a couple of hours, and it was really nice. And there's a chemistry between us that's hard to describe but has always been there. I don't think that will ever go away. But the best part is, when he text me a smiley face after dropping me off at my house and leaving, I didn't get that butterfly feeling in my stomach. I didn't feel happy because I thought "Yes! Its finally going to happen this time!" I felt happy because I finally realized that I'm over it. The leash is cut, and a huge weight has been lifted off my heart. I finally outgrew him. And that was the best gift he will ever give me. Complete closure.

I guess if anyone were to ask me if I have some epic love story, that would be the closest thing I've got. Which is odd, because seriously, we've never even kissed. Its just...the way he used to make me feel. Used to.

One last thing, my friend asked for a shout out in this post, so this one is for you, Chadford!
Anyway, The Walking Dead season finale comes on in ten, so I'm off. Peace and love. <3

Spring Break

SROW. Was. Amazing.

It was pretty much like a cheerleading camp on crack. We screamed cheers the whole time, and not just ours but other schools' as well. I met a lot of really cool people and learned a lot from the sessions I went to. And it was a really good bonding experience for the team. I feel even closer to them now than ever.

I can't even describe the feeling. There were SO MANY PEOPLE. It was a bit overwhelming at times. There were schools from nine different states: North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky, Georgia, Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, and Louisiana. It made me realize that being an Orientation Leader isn't just about helping your school. You're part of a community. All these teams are just from our region, too. I can't imagine how many Orientation Leaders are actually out there. It makes my job feel that much more important. And it was really cool listening to people from other schools talk about the different ways they run their orientations. Some people take it as a class for credit hours, some people only meet a couple of times a year, some people have a core group of OLs and a large group of helpers. Its fascinating.

I was introducing myself as Via to everyone, and it made me feel so good when I would see those people later and say hey and they would respond, "Hey, Via!" I can't tell you how much I love that.

Okay, I do have to throw this in there. We didn't win (or even place) in the dance competition. Bummer. But the school that did win absolutely deserved it. They also won the spirit competition. But it doesn't matter that much. Our dance is still really good and I'm still really proud of us. And about spirit, I feel so much more proud to be from UNCW now than I ever have. At SROW, we're like celebrities. People came up to us countless times and requested we do a specific cheer that has somehow become famous among our region. And every time we do that cheer, you can see random people all over the place doing the motions with us. There were even some schools that wanted pictures with us! It was insane.

Today, however, I feel awful. I developed a sinus infection over the weekend, I'm losing my voice, I've hardly gotten any sleep, and now its that time of month so I feel nauseous and disgusting. But its all worth the weekend I had. It was nonstop dancing, cheering, strolling, laughing, and generally feeling good. I just love it.

And even though I'm so, so sad that its over (the worst part of going on awesome trips; they always end), I at least have Florida to look forward to! Its supposed to be 85 degrees and sunny all week. I just need some time to sit back and relax. Maybe I'll get a head start on my tan. I'm also going to read The Hunger Games, since I finished my other book series.

One more thing, please say a prayer for my brother's girlfriend. I won't go into details, but she's having a bit of a hard time right now. And if you're not religious, that's fine, just keep her in your thoughts.

Well I suppose that's all. This blog really helps me get my life figured out. I was feeling really down right before I started writing (hormones?) but after reflecting on the good times I had, I feel so much better.

So, thank you. If you guys didn't read, I probably wouldn't be writing anymore.

Hanging in there

I just have to make it through Thursday. Thats all. Three more days, then its SROW, then its Florida for spring break. Breathe. Just breathe.

That book I told you I started reading...I finished it. And the second one in the series. And now I'm on the third/final book. I have been reading like crazy. But not so crazy that I haven't been getting my work done! I wrote the outline for my paper Saturday and my actual paper Sunday, and its quite good, if I do say so myself. My mom and dad said so as well. Anyway, the books are amazing. If you want to read, the first one is called Uglies. Sounds silly, but trust me...its awesome.

Anyway, I don't even have much to talk about today. All I'm going to say is that I'm done with boys who don't want a relationship. That's all. I'm done with it. I'm not going to waste my time on the boys who, as they say, "only want one thing." I'm not giving them that anyway so there's no point for anyone. And it makes me feel down on myself sometimes because I feel like when a guy looks at me and just wants a hook-up, he doesn't see me as a person, just someone who might be attractive through unfocused eyes. And that makes me upset because boys need to stop looking at girls as if none of us have any substance. Whatever. I'm just done with all that.

And now that I'm done ranting, I think I'll go read! I've missed this feeling so much.

Slow down, you're doing fine

Now Playing: Sara Bareilles Pandora station
                       Ingrid Michaelson - Everybody

I'm so proud of myself. I've actually been working on my school work and various other things that needed to be done and now I'm pretty on top of my to-do list. I don't feel nearly as stressed out as I did on Monday. I actually feel pretty confident that everything is going to be just fine. I just have my Psych homework and my paper left. My Psych homework I can finish tomorrow and I can start working on my paper tomorrow and finish it this weekend. Plus, my lab practical is actually next week and not tomorrow morning. Things are definitely looking up at this point.

Except for one thing. Homeboy still hasn't said anything to me. When I mentioned it to Colleen today, she said he's a shy guy. Which really doesn't make a whole heck of a lot of sense to me, but if she says it...I mean, she knows him a little bit better than I do. She's known him longer than me at least. I don't know. Its just a teensy bit upsetting. Just a teensy bit.

Anyway, I rented a book from the library today just to read because I miss reading for fun, and I'm dying to continue it. So I'm off to shower and stick my nose in my book now.

Via, out!

STRESSED

I had the most stressful day today. I developed a twitch. A TWITCH.

I was looking at all my (syllabuses? syllabi?) today and I realized that I have SO MUCH CRAP I HAVE TO DO OH MY GOOD LORD. Tomorrow is my meeting with my director, and I have to have all my lines memorized (which I've been working on for a while anyway, but its still nerve-wracking). I have a lab practical and a Chemistry test on Thursday. I'm going to apply to be a Seahawk Link, and that application is due on Thursday. I'm going to apply to be a desk receptionist, and that application is due next Monday. I have a Sociology paper due next Tuesday. I have to read a book for my honors seminar by Wednesday. My online homework for Chemistry and Psychology are both due at the end of the week. I have more homework due next Friday. We're leaving for SROW next Friday and I'm petrified we're going to choke on the dance and lose and its going to be 1/6 my fault because I was on the dance committee. And on top of all that, I'm having another major housing dilemma. The Village and Landing both filled up last week before we could sign up, and now the Crossing is full. Those are the only nice apartments on campus. So tomorrow we're going to check if they still have three bedroom apartments available. That place is really nice, so I defintely won't mind living there. Its called Brookstone. Its within walking distance of campus, utilities are included in a very managable rent, and there's a pool! But if they don't have any three bedrooms still open, then we're literally completely screwed.

PLUS I saw the guy from last weekend again on Saturday. Not the bad one, the one from the party. I finally added him on Facebook because somehow I still don't have his phone number, and he hasn't tried to talk to me or anything, which is making me even more upset. I thought something was possible from that, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe I'm just a dumb, naive little girl.

I've seriously just wanted to burst into tears at random points all day. Twice I almost started hyperventilating. And I'm waking up early tomorrow to keep working, even though I don't have my meeting until eleven and my one class until two.

I just keep thinking maybe this is the rain and spring break will be my rainbow.

God willing.

Disappointed?

Now Playing: Adele - Right as Rain

So I had my date with Slip tonight. We went to Fuzzy Peach and then walked around downtown. It would have been really nice...if I was even the slightest bit attracted to him.

I am a horrible person. Its absolutely not that he's ugly or anything, I'm just not personally attracted to him, you know? But now I feel like I've been leading him on this whole time, and I just feel so bad about it! He's so sweet, I don't want to hurt his feelings. But he was talking about coming to see me again, and I just...don't want him to waste his time I guess.

But what makes me a horrible person is that I'm just sort of relieved. So I'm really more disappointed in myself for being SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON than being disappointed that I didn't have as nice of a time as he seemed to. But you guys get it, right? I don't have to worry about working out a long distance anything. And we haven't been getting to know each other for very long. Its not like I got him to fall in love with me first or anything.

Okay, so moment of truth. He just text me and...well long story short this is it. This is the time when I have to tell him that I just don't feel the same way like I thought I could. He could understand that, right? But he's driving. Oh God, what if he reads what I say and wrecks and dies?! I can't tell him now. I could kill him, literally.

So maybe that's partly a joke, but still. I don't want to have to tell him. Anyway, I'm doing it anyway. Ripping off the bandaid.

Is it bad that I'm mostly relieved because I couldn't be Via with him? I mean, he met me when I was Olivia.

Horrible. I'm so horrible.

Busy Weekend

Today has been/is going to be interesting.

This morning I had a French test. The only problem is that I had forgotten that this morning I had a French test. I didn't study for it at all. I'm pretty confident that I pulled it off anyway, but I'm still kind of worried. I also had a test in Psychology. Thankfully I knew about that test and could prepare for it properly. I got an 86 on it. Not as good as the last test, but not bad.

Tonight some of the OLs are going to a recording studio in town. We're going to sing the song that goes with our dance so we have a track to back our voices up at SROW. I'm so excited they asked me to come! Not many people are going. I just love being in a recording studio. Its so exhilarating and intimidating at the same time. Exciting. Definitely exciting.

And now for the big news. Slip is coming to see me. Yes, thats right. He's coming tonight after the recording session. We'll probably just go grab some Fuzzy Peach (the local froyo place. Its SO GOOD. And its a Wilmington/UNCW staple) and hang out. I'm pretty nervous about how this is going to go, though. I mean, this will be the first time we'll meet in person. This date could make or break any potential ANYTHING between us. If we don't work in person, there will be no point in continuing talking to each other the way that we do.

Honestly, I'm not sure how well I even want tonight to go. I have so many personal issues with the whole long distance thing, especially starting out that way. But passing up someone like Slip would be...well, dumb. He already seems to really care about me, and if anything came from this I know he would treat me right. But at the same time, I just don't know if its worth not being around each other a lot. And for that reason, part of me wants tonight to be weird or not fun or bad in any way, because then I would have a legitimate reason to break things off. I wouldn't feel as bad saying that I didn't like him like I thought I could, rather than saying "its not that I don't like you, its that I don't know if it would work out." If we both end up really liking each other at the end of the night, telling him that I'm skeptical about starting anything will be that much harder on both of us. And then there's the problem that I'm going to want it to go wrong and I'll be reserved and not myself and close myself off to him just to, I don't know, protect my own or his feelings. And I'm thinking so much about it that I'm freaking myself out and my stomach has been in knots all day.

So, that's tonight. Then tomorrow we have dance practice again, then I'm going to another party with Colleen and her friends. I'm actually really excited to let Via come out again. But I'm also feeling kind of weird about that. What if I see the guy from last weekend again? I'm not sure how I'm supposed to act...

This is one reason I like being Via. I don't think so much when I'm Via. Olivia thinks waaay too much.

To end this post, I would like to share a picture with you guys. I found a picture on Pinterest that is absolutely perfect for me, and you guys will understand why! I made it my background on my laptop. I love it.

Wish me luck. <3

Metamorphosis

This weekend was...something.

I would like to start by saying that I am utterly exhausted. Its not even eight and I'm thinking about going to sleep really soon. Its so bad that I just stared at my Facebook for twenty minutes doing nothing important because I can't even focus on writing this post. I'm. So. Tired.

Moving on to important matters. I feel like I'm finally finding a niche here at school. I'm getting to be really close to some of the OLs, which is fantastic. I feel like I finally have people I can call on the weekend and ask what they're doing and see if they want to hang out.

Speaking of OLs, we had our first two dance practices yesterday and today. I've spent ten hours straight dancing, singing, and making awesome but stupid facials. But its really coming together! We've gone over six of the seven dances. Next weekend we'll be teaching the last dance and perfecting everything. Which is going to be hell, but it has to be done. We'll look good. Thats why our school wins.

Friday night I hung out with Taylor and her roommate. We saw The Vow (so cute) and hung out at their apartment for a while. I had a lot of fun with them! They were really sweet, and we had awesome girl talk. Every girl needs a good dose of girl talk every once in a while.

Then last night...last night was something. I hung out with Colleen (I don't think I've mentioned her before...she's an OL) and her friends. Colleen decided that before we left for the party we were going to that I should start going by Via. I've had lots of nicknames before. Liv, Livi, Ollie, O-liv...but I've only really ever had one person call me Via, and it was in a joking way. But Via...thats a good name. Via. Its got a really good ring to it. So I introduced myself as Via to everyone at the party. I've actually decided to try and get it to catch on for real though. Because last night, it was like I was almost a different person. I wasn't, but I just...was. Its hard to explain.

Let me try by saying this. When I got my braces off and got my hair cut, I had this idea that I was going to go through this huge transformation. I'm pretty sure I explained that to you guys. Last night, when I became Via, I felt like that transformation was happening.

So let me actually tell you what happened last night since I've been beating around the bush. We went to the party. There were actually a few guys (and, as a matter of fact, a lesbian) flirting with me. But one of them was really, really cute. I was talking to him for a little while, and he definitely seemed interested. Olivia would have been nervous to approach him or look at him with flirty eyes because she would be scared of rejection, but Via went for it. She didn't care. After I had decided I was going to try to talk to this boy, I heard another girl tell Colleen that she thought he was 'soo hot!' So I knew I had to act fast, especially because the girl was really pretty. I actually found out later that night that there's another girl (who wasn't at this party) that has tried to get with this guy before too. But by the end of the night, it was me that got him. (I would like to add this aside: you guys know me well enough to know I would never sleep with some random guy I just met, so I don't want you guys thinking that I did naughty things. Just to clarify.) Via got a very attractive boy who is in high demand to want her. That's never been me before Via.

But its not over. We came back to campus. They took me to my dorm so I could change into pajamas and grab my toothbrush so I could stay over in Colleen's dorm. We went straight into a room on the first floor (Colleen lives on the second floor) where some of her friends live. I've met them a couple of times before. Anyway, these two boys that I actually hadn't met before were causing this big scene in the hall with another guy. There was some big drama about someone's stuff being stolen and now these two boys wanted to beat the other guy up. They came into the room and were fuming, talking about how they were going to do it and where so they wouldn't get in trouble. I (meaning Via) piped up, saying that I thought they shouldn't fight because it doesn't solve anything. They tried to explain why it was necessary that they fought this guy, but all I heard was their dumb boy pride talking. One of the guys was exceptionally cute, so I said, "It sounds like someone needs a back rub. Come sit with Via and I'll give you a back rub," and patted the seat beside me. I started rubbing his back and he instantly calmed down. After a few minutes, he didn't want to fight the guy anymore. So I rubbed the other guy's back too, and before I knew it Via had completely dissolved all the anger from these two hot heads that I had never met before. It was incredible. They both put their numbers in my phone and my number in theirs, saying "Next time I need a back rub so I don't fight someone, I'm calling you, Via!" Then the cute boy rubbed my shoulders for a while, and before I knew it again I was laying with my legs in his lap, his arm over my legs and our hands laced together. We were both falling asleep at this point. I got up to go to the bathroom, and when I came back he was laying down with enough space for me to lay down with him. So I did, and we fell asleep together. I woke up again around six in the morning, decided that Via would be allusive and leave him to wake up alone. So I went up to Colleen's room and slept for a few more hours. And now he's texting me, and Colleen's friend is texting her saying he's interested in me. The only thing is he's a baaad boy. Via's confident and cool, but I haven't completely lost sight of Olivia. But there's nothing wrong with flirt texting him, right?

Sorry this is so long. I guess I had a lot to sort through. It only took me an hour to type, you know, no big deal.

Its just that, this is what I wanted. I used to be a caterpillar. When I got to high school, I was an innocent little caterpillar. Then for a few years, I wrapped myself in a cocoon, slowly changing physically and emotionally. I expected to burst out the day I went through my transformation, and I was disappointed when I didn't. But with Via...I feel like my metamorphosis is finally coming to an end. I'm fully pushing my way out of my cocoon.

Via is my butterfly.

Sweet as Sugar

You guys. This guy is so nice. SO nice.

But not in an overbearing way. Usually guys who are like this to me end up getting on my nerves, but this guy...its like he knows how to be sweet without being annoying. Like he's not actually trying hard to be nice, he just is.

Okay, I guess its time to name him. I think I'm going with Slip. Honestly I think one of the most fun parts about writing this blog has been coming up with names for boys. Which is kind of pathetic, but still...its really fun.

Anyway. Slip and I talked on the phone tonight for an hour and a half. I was kind of worried it would be really awkward, but it wasn't. There were a few times when we would both say something at the same time or I would accidentally hang up on him with my face (stupid iPhone), but overall it was a really nice conversation. Plus he wanted to talk to me more than he wanted to hang out with his friends at the party he drove them to! That definitely means something.

I'm worried though. I don't want to end up really liking this guy but it not working out because we live almost two hours apart. In all honesty, that's not that long. But at the same time, it is because when will I see him? I mean, my friend on the OL team Taylor has a boyfriend that goes to the same school as Slip. Taylor sees her boyfriend a lot, considering. At least once or twice a week. But they've also been dating a long time, so its a different story. I'm not saying it could never work out, I'm just saying it would be hard. I'm a physical person. I like to cuddle and hold hands and be hugged when I'm feeling down. I'm not sure if I'd be good at long distance. I guess I'll just have to figure out if this guy is worth it.

You never know. He just might be.

Sweet Candy and Sweet Boys

Just got a few updates for you guys before I get to my homework!

1) The OLs had a "date night" last night after our meeting. I was so excited because it was such a good idea. I'm not sure if I mentioned this before (I say that a lot...) but the gist of it was that each boy pulled a random girl's name out of a hat and didn't tell the girl who they picked. The guys got a gift for their girl and the girls got something generic, and after the meeting the social committee set up the tables where we usually eat and placed all the girls somewhere, where their "date" would meet them. But my date had to leave before we could eat (sad face sad face sad face) so they had to bring another "couple" over to my table so I wouldn't be sitting by myself. OF COURSE that would happen to me. That kind of stuff always happens to me. All I kept thinking was, "I can't even get a date when its set up for me!!" Which was more funny than serious really. But my date (that abandoned me...just making sure you remember) made two cheesecake cupcakes as my gift! I had one last night for dessert and it was SO GOOD. The other one is in my fridge. I'm saving it for a rainy day.

2) This really sweet boy has been talking to me for a couple of days now. He's precious. I genuinely enjoy talking to him because he's just one of those people that honestly seems interested in what I'm saying. When he asks questions its like he's not asking them just to keep the conversation going but he really wants to know the answer. But he doesn't go to school here so I'm not sure what's going to come of it, if anything will come of it. But he's really nice! If anything significant happens, I'll name him. But for now he's just really...sweet.

I think those are the only big things going on. So I'm off to do homework now!

My life in this moment is SO. FUN. I just can't handle it.

100

This is my 100th post! I can't believe. I'd just like to be serious for a moment and thank anyone and everyone who reads/is reading this blog. I love when you guys tell me you like what I write, or even that you've read it before. It makes me feel important, and I love you for that!

Okay, I don't like being serious like that for a long time. Moving on. I have an issue right now. I'm supposed to go down to Florida for spring break to see my grandma and my cousins. But as of right now I have no one to go with! All my friends already have plans, and I don't know who else to ask. If I have to go by myself, I will, but I'd really rather not. I'm getting nervous too, because spring break is in less than a month. Its crunch time.

In other news, the whole dance for the OLs is choreographed! I'm super excited. We have dance practice this weekend and next weekend. So stoked.

One more thing before I pass out. Tomorrow night, Doug (one of my youth ministers from back home) is coming into town and taking all the former youth group members to dinner and a preview performance of a play! But what I'm really excited about is that he's introducing me to his cousin and his cousin's wife, both of whom are very involved in the film and theatre industry around town. I'm really, really nervous. Their movie friends are going to be there, and I could meet some really important people tomorrow night and not even know it. I have to look good and be cute and spunky and outgoing and pleasant and witty and...oh my goodness. I'm so nervous.

Okay, I can hardly keep my eyes open anymore. Pray for me for tomorrow please. This could mean big things for me.

Anyway, let me try to get some beauty sleep. Emphasis on the try...

All Business

I've been so busy this week. And last week actually. But now its finally Friday! I just got back from dinner with some of the OLs and now I get to chill for the night. I'm really excited.

Plus, this coming week I have hardly anything going on. I'm so excited to have a more relaxing week after the last two. I thought it would never end, but I just had to keep pushing through. You should have seen me Wednesday. Oh man, I was crazy overwhelmed. And I missed all my shows this week! Thank God for the internet. I caught up today after class.

Also, and I can't believe I haven't mentioned this, I went to a concert on Tuesday night. THIRD EYE BLIND! It was incredible. Semi-Charmed Life is one of my absolute favorite songs in the world, and definitely favorite of the 90's. When they played that song...I thought I was going to die. I was screaming the whole time and jumping around (even though the concert was basically a mosh pit, just not as aggressive as legit moshing, so space was limited). By the end of the song, I had run out of breath so I really thought I was going to die. Ha, just kidding. But the show was amazing.

One last thing. I'm not sure if I told you guys, but when the OC had that talk the other week, it turns out it wasn't exactly about me, but it was indirectly about me. It was specifically about the guy that liked me...and how he was telling everyone we were going to go out. Yeah. I was pretty upset. But I'm over it now, just thought I'd fill you guys in.

Well I'm exhausted, so I'll be going now to curl up in a comfy warm ball under my blanket and watch TV. A little R&R. Sigh. Good night.

On Fiyah!

Now Playing: We the Kings - Skyway Avenue

I would just like to say that this weekend, I was on fire. I got two boys phone numbers. Playah playah.

If anything happens, I will post about it. But for now its not that exciting. I'm supposed to have lunch with the guy I met last night on Tuesday. We've been texting today. I just exchanged numbers with the other guy a few hours ago, so I'm not too worried about that yet. I'm just feeling really confident right now. And that started before this weekend.

Last Wednesday I went to (part of) this show they had on campus. It was a live "Group Sex Therapy" show. He was pretty explicit with his ideas, but he made a lot of sense too. Though most of his jokes related to humans being sexual beings by nature (and he was really funny), he explained that confidence is key in approaching a person of interest, but that you don't need other people (for me, cute guys) telling you you're attractive to feel validated. That really stuck with me. When you're confident in who you are, people naturally gravitate towards that. I guess I've slowly been learning that for some time now.

So I'm quite proud of myself socially. Academically...not so much. I've definitely been putting off some reading and studying I should have been doing. But I thought I deserved a semi-chill weekend. I worked really hard this past week.

On a completely different note, I used to play ultimate frisbee a lot my senior year. I tried to start an intramural team at the beginning of the year, but I couldn't get anyone together. But I just found out from someone at church that some people get together during the week and play pick up games. I'm going on Tuesday! I'm so incredibly excited. This will be good exercise, and much more fun than going to the gym (as much as I honestly enjoy that). So I will simultaneously be working on my beach body and having a great time! Amazing.

Thats it for now I suppose. George Lopez is on now, so I will be enjoying that for a little while before I fall asleep. Its the one where George finds out he has a sister. Drama!

TTFN!

Just...a mess.

Now Playing: Kina Grannis - In Your Arms

My life is one huge awkward moment right now.

I know I said I wasn't going to mention him again like this, but its necessary for my story. Zuko and I were getting along just fine, talking every day and being friends. Thats all. And I'm okay with that. Its better than nothing. Same with the friend that asked me out that I turned down (who is also an OL. Thats important to the story as well). We've just been friends and it hasn't been weird or anything.

So of course, life can't remain fair and clean like that. It gets messy and complicated for no reason. First of all, I think the guy that asked me out was telling people we were going to go out before he actually asked, because I've had two people on the team ask me about it. Which really kind of upsets me. I don't want people thinking something is going on when thats not true.

Then, at dance practice last night, I text Zuko back when we weren't doing anything for a minute, then one of the guys that is also on the dance committee picked up my phone later to be silly and saw that I had been texting Zuko. So he sent him a message saying something about "I love you baby" and "I go nuts when I see you" or something. So I of course freaked out (on the inside, because only one person on the team knows anything about me having feelings for Zuko before) and I quickly sent him a message that said it wasn't me who sent the previous one and I tried to laugh about it. I never got a text back last night. He didn't text me today. So I went to the meeting very nervous tonight. I smiled at Zuko but we didn't actually get to talk to each other.

So the meeting was uneventful. Until the last five minutes when the OC said he needed to have a talk with us. He basically gave a short speech about keeping relationships out of work and work out of relationships. He said that, though no one can stop dating from happening because they can't control anyone's emotions, they discourage it. And I couldn't help but feel like it got back to him that either something was going on with me and the guy that asked me out or something was going on with me and Zuko. Either one is embarrassing. I just really don't want people getting the wrong ideas about me, especially not my bosses. And then I thought, what if Zuko thinks that I've been telling people something is happening between us and he thinks the talk was about us? That's just really not good. In fact, that's quite bad. We won't be friends like we have been, and I was really enjoying that.

I just feel really overwhelmed this week. I've got a test tomorrow and one Friday. I'm not really on top of my homework as much as I should be. I'm trying to fit gym time into my busy schedule so I don't look like a cow for spring break, which is in just over a month. And all this relationship drama when I don't even have anything close to a boyfriend? I need to get myself together.

My life is a mess.

A Horrible Night, A Beautiful Day

Last night, two people from my hometown and one famous person killed themselves.

As I was discussing this fact with my mom, we came to the conclusion that something must have just been off with the world. Maybe it was a full moon or something, I don't know. But something went wrong.

And yet, today was one of the most beautiful February days I've ever experienced. Its seventy degrees outside, the sun is shining brightly, and I was wearing a really cute outfit with my brand new shoes. I can't help but feel good on a day like this.

Its just weird to think about. There are so many bad things going on in the world. I know that more and more every single day. But the world keeps spinning. Its not going to stop for anyone. So we have to choose to either spin along or give up. Obviously there are some people that don't seem to be able to handle it. I feel so bad for those people. Because even though there are some tough things going on in my life and the ones I love's lives right now, and even though the world is so cruel and horrific things happen daily, I still try my best to keep my chin up and smile.

Its hard. Its definitely hard. But there just has to be more than this. There has to be more than all the bad things going on. Situations will always get better, it just takes patience and perseverence to reach that point. I have to believe that.

This has been my philosophy for the day. I should write a book.

Hard Decision

Over the weekend, I had to make a really hard decision about who I was going to live with next year. Things like that are not to be taken lightly. This is who you will live with for a whole school year. My advice to you is to not make promises you can't keep and to be careful what you say to people about things like this. Rooming with the wrong person can lead to a lot of stress and misery, but rooming with the right person can lead to lifelong friendships. And honestly, you never really know how things will turn out. The person you thought would get on your nerves might be your best friend later. The person you thought you could be really close to might end up annoying you the most. Take these things into consideration long before its time for contracts to be signed. Its a long and difficult process.

Hopefully my decision ends up with the best outcome.

Every little thing is gonna be all right

Zuko text me for the first time in a few days last night. Long story short, he said (so nicely that I could hardly even be upset about it) that he had a feeling that I was starting to like him and that he wanted to make sure I knew that his intentions were clear, that he thought we could be really good friends because I have a great personality but nothing more. So I said that I kind of figured out the feelings weren't mutual and that being just friends won't be a problem. And I meant that.

We're back to talking a lot again. Which is actually a lot nicer this time around, because now if he takes a while to text me back or says something ambiguous, I don't have to overanalyze what it means and worry about what he's thinking. Being friends will be so much easier. And I honestly believe he wants to be good friends, and that it will work. If anything had actually happened between us it would be hard. But being mature about it and settling the situation before feelings got hurt was the best thing he could have done.

So there will be no more Zuko. If he ever appears in this blog again, I will use his real name.

I'm pretty proud of myself for not letting that get me too down also. But at the same time, yesterday was my makeover so I was pretty much high on life anyway. It would have taken a LOT to get me down.

I like being in moods like that.

FINALLY!!!

Today was the day that my big news occurred and I can finally tell you all my surprise!!

Are you ready?!

I GOT MY BRACES OFF!!! After two years and eight months of asking people if I had bread in my teeth and cutting up the insides of my lips at night when I slept, its finally all over and so worth it! My teeth look great. Although I forgot how big they are. It just feels so nice (except when I wear my retainer, but thats a small price to pay).

I'm just so happy that I'm finally done with my very long, overextended awkward phase. I've pretty much been in one since middle school. When I outgrew my cuteness, I became very awkward looking. That lasted until about the tenth grade, which is when I got my braces on. Since then I've outgrown looking and acting awkward (honestly, not fully, but definitely enough), and yet I still had those freaking braces, trapping me in the phase. But alas, the braces are no more! Its just so weird to think that I actually don't have braces anymore and I never will. But its nice. Very, very nice.

I also got my hair cut today. When I would straighten it before, it would be about an inch from my butt. I could almost sit on it. Now its about three or four inches below my shoulders. Its not even short, but its SO SHORT. I haven't had my hair like this is about three years. Its crazy. But I got some stellar layers cut in and some thick side-swept bangs, so its looking hawt. I don't mean this conceitedly, but I have nice hair anyway. I really like my hair, and everyone else tells me how jealous they are (that might be because it was so long before, but whatever). But now its...becoming. Thats the word Mom used. Becoming. Shaniqua and Kenzie both said I look older, which is what I was going for. Success.

Thats the news! I've been dying to spill about all this for over a month. But I didn't actually tell anyone except my mom, dad and sister. And Anna figured it out ( >:[ ). But no one actually knew. It was funny talking to people today. I was purposely smiling the whole time and a lot of people still didn't notice until I mentioned something was different. It was great.

I've had this concept in my mind that when I got my braces off and my hair cut and became a new woman, people would start noticing me more, specifically guys. Or that maybe Zuko would see me in a new light and realize that he should ask me out. Or that guys will just start throwing themselves at me. Yes, I know. I'm pathetic. I've been trying hard to get those images out of my head, because I know I would just end up disappointed. It will be interesting to see if things do change with how people look at me now that I actually look like I belong in college.

I suppose we'll just wait and see.

Oh, and I'm back to happy again. Thank God!

Cliffhanger

Sorry about that the other day. And sorry for not updating you guys in a few days. I really haven't felt up to blogging. I guess I've been trying to work things out with myself first before I shared anything. I haven't resolved everything, and I still feel like I've got a lot going on, but I can at least share now.

Right now I'm at home. I hate being home sometimes. As much as I love my family and I miss them when I'm not with them, its getting harder and harder to come home. I love Wilmington, and I'm finally starting to truly establish myself there. But I came home for good reason, and you all will know that tomorrow!!! Well, technically today since its after midnight, but you know what I mean. Yes, I do mean that the surprise I've been holding off on will finally be revealed in a few hours! You have no idea how completely ecstatic I am to finally have this happen.

I've also got a few other things going on, however. I've been losing my voice over the past week. Yes, a whole week. It wasn't that bad at the beginning of last week, just a little scratchy. But by Thursday, I sounded like a frog. Then Sweta told me she had strep and possibly mono, so I got checked out at the Student Health Center on campus this morning before class. I had strep throat three times last school year, so I wasn't about to delay anything. Alas, I am not harboring that bacteria. But they didn't offer me any other possible solutions. So tomorrow morning my mom and I are going to the doctor to see if they can give me some kind of medicine to help. She thinks I have a simple sinus infection. I'm praying to God thats all it is. I finally got an email back from my director for Working, and he said we'll need to be familiarizing ourselves with the play and the songs, and given my current state I can't be singing right now. I have no clue when he's going to contact me and ask to run lines or rehearse songs. I can't sound like this, and I could permanently damage my throat if I push it. Which is so hard for me. I love singing. I sing all the time, everywhere I am.

Okay, now what you've (possibly) been waiting for. About Zuko. I haven't talked to him much since Saturday night, which just proves how uninterested he is. I'm definitely working to get over it. Which is silly that I even have to work at that, because I hardly know him yet. I still wish something will change his mind, but I don't see that happening. So it'll be fine. And I still want to be friends with him, which will be easy since we can already talk to each other and nothing actually happened between us. Plus he promised he'd teach me how to surf. Friends or more than, I WILL learn to surf this summer.

I think I get so wrapped up in my own head that I start expecting certain things to happen, so I'm extra disappointed and it hurts worse when they don't. I guess I just wear my heart on my sleeve a little more than I should. And as much as it hurts, I honestly don't always think that's a bad thing. I like feeling things deeply. I'd much rather feel too much than not at all. This is also why I'm not the 'hooking up' type. I get too attached too easily to let myself do that.

That's just who I am. All the men that decide to try and get with me will have to deal with that.

A Horrible Realization

Zuko doesn't like me. I just know it.

We had a wonderful night talking on the beach. Then he started texting me first every day. But he would take hours (sometimes 2-3, sometimes 12-15) to text me back. The other night, he said we should hang out this weekend. I suggested we have dinner tonight, but when I asked he had already eaten. He's the most confusing person.

Until just now. I asked if he still wanted to hang out, and he asked what 'everybody' is doing. Meaning he didn't want to hang out with me, he wanted to get a group together. And now he's telling me I should have given this guy that I don't like a chance when he asked me out on a date the other night. I thought telling him that might make him jealous or realize that there are other guys in my life, but that completely backfired. And now I feel slightly nauseous.

Remember when I said I was so happy I could hardly handle myself? I knew that wasn't going to last very long.

Star Struck

Tonight UNCW had an event where two of the guys from the MTV show The Buried Life, Dave Lingwood and Ben Nemtin, and they talked about their journey from four normal guys to TV stars out to change the world. They have a really incredible story. They've experienced some amazing things and met amazing people. I wish I could just jump on their RV (her name is Penelope. They got her from a nudist) and go with them and change the world. And not only are they inspiring, they're SO funny. And not only are they great people that kept me laughing, they're SO ATTRACTIVE. Especially Dave. He's so gorgeous.

After the show, they had a meet and greet. They were sending us in in larger groups instead of pairs or three people to make sure it went quickly since there were so many fans waiting for pictures and autographs. We had a group of six, which was small comparatively. My friend Taylor liked Ben more and was determined to get an illegal picture with him (they had a photographer taking pictures for their official Facebook profile and said specifically no more pictures were to be taken), and I was determined to stand next to Dave and get him to kiss me on the cheek for the picture. We stood at the front of our group and I jokingly stood in a racer's position, ready to charge. When the group in front of us finally left, I marched right up to Dave, looked him in his beautiful blue eyes, placed my hand flirtily on his arm, smiled cutely and, while batting my eyelashes, said, "Can you do me a favor?" He chuckled slightly, obviously picking up on my obvious flirting, and said, "Sure," smiling his very cute smile. I said, "Will you kiss me on the cheek during our picture?" He chuckled again and said, "Yeah, I can do that." I wrapped my arms around his waist and squeezed his muscular body saying, "Yay! Thank you!" So when the photographer raised his camera to his face about a minute later, Dave placed his lips right on my cheek and held them there for at least seven seconds while the picture was taken. Then he signed my piece of paper, Ben signed my paper (and wrote my name on it even though there were just supposed to sign their own names) and I walked out feeling goooood. Taylor ended up getting her picture with Ben, and that hoe even got Dave to kiss her cheek too! But they didn't get a picture of it, so I'm okay with that.

Taylor and I both walked out of there on such an adrenaline rush. I was star struck.

As soon as that picture gets posted on Facebook, its going to be my profile picture.

I have documented proof of a hot famous guy kissing me on the cheek. Life is good.

Light hearted

I've had an excellent day. Its been so good that I just feel...light. I was walking back to my room earlier and I just felt like I was floating. My tummy has a permanent excited buzz. I haven't been this happy with my life in a while. And I'm a pretty happy person.

Last night I ended up texting Zuko to ask and, after a bit of confusion, it ended up being just the two of us going to the beach. And I swear, whoever thought he was a d-bag must have been talking about some other Zuko, because this boy is the epitome of perfection. He completely opened up to me last night, and I opened up to him too, and it was just so nice to walk on the beach in the middle of the night with this gorgeous, amazing guy and it was completely comfortable and he trusted me and...wow, that is one heck of a run-on. I'm actually a grammar freak, believe it or not. Anyway, we just had a really, really nice time. We've been texting for a majority of the afternoon as well. He invited me to lunch when he dropped me off last night with him and the guy that was supposed to come with us. Then I saw him racing off to class a few hours ago and texted him a flirty text. I was starting to overthink the situation and not do it, but I pushed off my insecurities and hit the send button. I really should stop overthinking things, because thats the reason we've been talking. Last night ended up being a lot more serious than flirty, but today has definitely been cute. I just have a really good feeling about this one.

Also, and I can't believe I didn't mention this, but I auditioned for a musical last week! My first audition, and guess what? I was casted!!! I don't think anyone understands how happy I am about this. Honestly. Its been years since I've been in a play, and this is seriously what I LOVE to do. I'm so incredibly excited to start rehearsing, plus I've had a lot of friends say they'll come see it when we perform!

By the way, this is kind of awkward, but I meant to post this yesterday. I'm actually about to write my blog post for today in a minute. But I definitely just saved this post as a draft and forgot to finish it up.

...my bad.

Lazy Day

Today has been really nice. I went to sleep earlier than I have in a long time last night, and I still slept until one. I could have gotten up around nine when I woke up the first time, or even ten when I woke up the second time. But I just decided that today was meant to be a sleep in day and kept sleeping. Then I got up, washed my sheets, and took care of some business. I had planned on just staying in all night, eating a frozen dinner and watching Pretty Little Liars alone, which I was perfecty content with. Then one of the OL's text me and asked about getting people together for dinner, so I decided that was a better plan.

So a few of us went to eat, and two of the guys were talking about going to the beach tonight. One of them...okay I can't help it, it was Zuko. Zuko turned to me and asked if I wanted to come. So now I'm waiting for him to text me and say he's coming to get me. But I got back at eight, so its been almost two hours. I'm not really sure anymore if they're going or if he's going to text me at all. I'm trying to decide if I should text him and ask if we're still going.

Before dinner, I was asking the guy who organized it who was coming and who he already asked, and he asked Zuko but didn't say Zuko was coming. Then about an hour before we were supposed to meet, Zuko texted me (aka not the person that asked him to come) to ask if we were still going to eat and to tell me he was going to come. Good sign or not a big deal? Not sure. Which is why I really wanted to go to the beach even though its 45 degrees outside.

Boys. Sigh.

Family and (more than?) Friends

Now Playing: Selena Gomez - Naturally

I absolutely love my OL family.

They're seriously all so great. I can't even begin to explain how amazing this weekend was.

The main point was for all of us to get to know each other better. And I don't mean just things like what's your favorite color or what are your strengths and weaknesses. I mean the deep stuff. We laughed together and we cried together. We stayed up all night to explore the forts and to play board games and to just talk. We grew. We bonded. And I love every one of them.

I can already tell this year is going to be even better than I initially anticipated.

By the way, the guy I said I was going to try and talk to ended up not being able to do OL at all this year. Sad face. But the other guy I mentioned, the hot one that is a supposed d-bag...well I really couldn't stop myself from staring sometimes, and when I noticed him staring back, I really couldn't stop myself from flirting just a little. So bad, I know. But I don't get any kind of bad vibe from him at all. Actually at one point during the retreat he said something about getting frustrated with people who think they can get whatever they want for free and forever. I think that's what he said. Anyway, either he isn't a bad guy like I've been told or he's a hypocrite. I'm hoping for the first, because he was totally flirting back and it would kill me to have to let a guy that gorgeous go.

I have two stories to tell about...lets name him Zuko. Last night we played a game where all of us write a question on a piece of paper and put them in a hat, then draw out a different question and answer it honestly. Most of the questions ended up being pretty sexual (I won't even go into specifics...use your imagination). I got lucky my first time because I drew the question "What did you do after your senior prom?" All I did after prom was go to my friend's house and eat with a few other people. But later they made me draw again since mine wasn't good. I still honestly got really lucky, because the question was "Who on the OL team would you hook up with?" That's so mild compared to the rest of the questions. The only problem is the guy I automatically thought about was sitting right next to me and I've already been hoping something would happen (not necessarily a hook up, because 1. I'm not a hooking up kind of girl, and 2. because that would be really unprofessional). So I felt pretty awkward. I really should have just been super breezy about it and said, "Oh thats easy. Zuko." Or even, "Oh-oh oh-oh! I. do. not. hook. uh-up, uh-up! But, definitely Zuko." But of course, I tried to stall and made the situation awkward, then finally said, "Well I guess I'd have to go with Zuko." It wasn't even a big deal. People were saying they would do a lot of worse things with each other. I'm just...I don't even know. Stupid. His face turned a little red though, and he mentioned later that "its a good thing you just said me" or something like that, which kind of made it sound like I used him as a scapegoat to get out of the question. Welp. Ruined that one. Sigh.

I'm not sure if I said this before, but we went to Fort Caswell. The house we stayed in was literally right on the beach and all weekend it was bright and sunny. Freezing cold, but sunny. Last night while I was getting ready to go to sleep one of the girls and I were talking about going to see the sunrise this morning before breakfast, and I had never sat down before and just watched the sun rise, and especially not on the beach. Then I got an amazing idea to go in the common room before I went to bed for the night and asking if anyone else would want to come with us, seeing as how Zuko might want to come (if not for the sunrise, then to sit out there with me at least). Two of the other girls jumped at the idea, and guess who else did? Yep. Zuko. I was excited because that was secretly my whole plan anyway. So this morning the five of us got up at 7:00 and went down to the beach to watch the sunrise. Zuko sat next to me snuggled up under the blanket I had (insert winky face here).

This is all really trivial stuff though. I want something concrete to happen. Like for him to text me or something. I don't know.

He's still perfect eye candy though. Even if nothing actually happens, I'll have something to look at for the rest of the semester.

FML.

Now Playing: One Direction - What Makes You Beautiful

Eff. My. Life.

So I'm sitting in my psych class with a girl that was in my uni and theatre class last semester. We're in the front row and she's sitting closer to the door. So I'm facing her in the middle of a sentence, when all of a sudden my heart drops and I choke on my words at the person who walks in.

Just take a wild guess.

That's right. Its Bob.

In my class. Right there. IN MY CLASS.

Thank God that's a huge lecture class. Maybe he'll never see me. Except, oh wait, HE DID.

He walked down the stairs to leave the classroom first and walked past my row, and then (OF COURSE) stopped at the bottom of the stairs to talk to someone. I had to walk right past him. I was one foot away! So of course I covered my face with my hair and tried to squeeze past quickly. But he had to see me. He had to.

But honestly, I think I freaked out for nothing. I mean, so what? My mom said to just say hey to him and keep walking. I can do that. And then I felt stupid for being all weird about it. He probably thought I still care, and I really don't.

Lesson of the day: Its only awkward if you make it awkward.

Also, I'm becoming obsessed with One Direction. They're SO CUTE. And British. And cute.

First day of classes

Now Playing: Daughters - John Mayer

So today was the first day of classes for the spring semester. I've only had one class so far (which didn't start until ten. I am LOVING this semester already), and that was French. My professor's last name is Hernandez. I honestly think that's one of the most hilarious things in the entire world.

Right now I'm sitting in Einstein's bagels. I just finished lunch and I'm chilling out until chemistry at 12 and psychology at 1. I have chemistry with Sweta, which I'm super excited about since I didn't see much of her last semester, but the poor thing is deathly ill right now and in the Health Center. So we'll just have to go to class together on Friday instead.

I'm especially excited about the OL meeting tonight. We're going to discuss the retreat for this weekend, which I'm even more excited about.

Wow, I use the word excited a lot. Have you noticed that? All right, from now on, I am limiting myself to one excited per post. We'll see how that goes.

Oh, one more thing. I was looking at apartments yesterday with Anna and I called my mom to talk about it. She got upset with me, saying we couldn't afford for me to live in an apartment and implied that I would have to live in a dorm ALL FOUR YEARS OF COLLEGE. Not. Happening. I told her I didn't want to, and of course she got upset again. I even told her that they wouldn't have to pay for my apartment completely. I'll have a job next year, so I'll definitely be able to help. And we found some places that are really cheap and seem nice. Anna's parents are coming to town on Saturday to take us to some appointments and to look around. I'm not living in a dorm again, unless I decide to be an RA. I'm just not.

Okay, enough of my raving. I'm going to stop now because I had coffee and I don't want to start rant-typing. I can hardly finish this sentetknce withosugt asldkfjajeoiajewbna adlasdlf......

By the way...

GRADES! I haven't told you about my grades! So I pulled of a B in Biology and Oceanography!!! I got an A in Theatre and (somehow) in Freshman Seminar. An Calculus...well I'm working that out now. I've been waiting for weeks for my professor to update my grades because it wasn't right on Blackboard. It was saying I have an 86. Then on seanet it was saying I have a C. Well thats definitely not happening when I should have an A in that class. So I emailed him yesterday and he said they were updated and posted. When I checked, it was still the same! So I told him my problems and I'm waiting to hear back from him.

So now the good news. After that gets fixed, I will be...*drum roll*...ON THE DEAN'S LIST!! That was one of my semester goals and I will have done it! My first semester of college! And I should end up with a 3.4 or 3.5!! Thats amazing!

Okay, I promise I'm done now. Goodnight!

Professional

Now Watching: Friends

I felt like such an official today. Andrea (my boss) gave us name plaques to wear on our shirts. Combine this with my khaki pants and you've got an Orientation Leader! Well, not completely. I didn't actually lead a group or do anything super important, I was really just there to help in the morning to pass out t-shirts and bags, then for the rest of the day to do odds and ends jobs. I helped run a tour for some parents, I answered a bunch of questions, I helped count inventory, and I played a lot of Temple Run. Yes, Temple Run. On a side note, I am now OBSESSED with that game. And the people that weren't actually leading small groups had a lot of free time. I used this time (when I wasn't playing Temple Run) to talk to some of the other OL's.

I have to say that I am just so incredibly excited about this semester. They're already friends in my mind. There's one guy that is gorgeous and he seemed really nice when I was talking to him. Then my new friend Seth told me that he founded and is CEO of his own company. I looked it up and the business is repairing surfboards. I died a little inside. Then I was telling Anna about it earlier and her new roommate's boyfriend apparently went to high school with him. He said the guy is a jerk that hooks up with younger girls just to have sex with them. He also said that he dated this girl and didn't let her talk to other guys and all kinds of stuff. So I'm glad that was shot in the butt before I even had the chance to develop a liking for him.

There is another guy I could possibly have my eye on. I'm not sure yet though. I don't want to rush myself. I'll let you know if anything happens though. Other than that, everyone is just so funny and nice. I'm really stoked for this weekend. We have a retreat from Friday until Sunday that's supposed to be tons of fun. I'm ready.

Other than that, not much is going on in my life. Besides all my shows coming back on TV!

...there's not much going on.

P.S. TWO WEEKS FROM TODAY IS THE DAY!!

Back in Action

Now Playing: Domino - Jessie J

Wow. I have been MIA from this thing for a long time. Whats funny is that my last post was on the day I left for break and this one is the first day I'm back on campus. I'm not sure why, but I just don't blog while I'm at home.

Anyway, now that I'm BIA (is that a real acronym?), thanks to a few different people who have asked me why I haven't blogged (including Kyla...this is your S/O big sis!), I am here to update!

I didn't have very many exciting things happen over the break. I hung out with some gorgeous boys with my friend Lauren one night, that was definitely cool. I turned 18!! I worked a lot, so I finally have money in the bank again. That feels really good. Other than that, I just slept a lot, which is ALWAYS nice.

In other news, I've decided that there is officially no point to my boy diet. It was a good idea, but I was still just waiting for some cutie to ask me out so I could jump at the chance. I mean, really. I would never even consider turning down a decent guy for my mental health. Thats absurd. I am, however, keeping the boy diet spirit alive. I only started it because I got upset when I didn't have guys throwing themselves at me. I didn't realize I was expecting that, but I just thought that maybe it would be different in college than it was in high school. I was never that girl that had guys all over her, or the girl that always had a boyfriend, or the girl that rejected guys on the regular (unless you count all the creeps and the "aye ma"'s that tried to talk to me...but I don't really. Every girl has creeps trying to...well...creep). Anyway, I just figured I'd be seen differently here, and that maybe I was just in the wrong place all that time. Maybe once I got away from all the ignorance that is my hometown, guys would be mature and see me as someone they could be with or talk to or hang out with or whatever.

Don't do that to yourself. Girl or guy, don't expect anything like that from masses people you don't even know. I set myself up for disappointment that way. So my point in all of that is, I will not be expecting anything to happen with anyone. If I happen to meet a guy that I like, I'll go for it. But I'm not anticipating finding a boyfriend this semester.

One more thing I want to talk about. There's an Orientation going on tomorrow and Tuesday and I'm helping out! My first Orientation as an official OL! I'm STOKED. The only downside is that I have to meet everyone at seven in the morning. Too. Early.

So on that note, I'm done. I have to finish putting all my stuff away still, take a shower and go to bed. Wish me luck tomorrow!

P.S. Don't forget, I've got goooood news that I'll be able to reveal in just 16 days! Rachal, if you're reading this, I'M SO INCREDIBLY EXCITED. For everyone else...muahahaha!