Breakthrough

A huge part of the college experience is figuring out who you are. I'm slowly doing just that.

All I really want to say is that I had a huge breakthrough tonight. I realized that I honestly don't have to be beautiful and I can stop trying and worrying about it. Because I am good, and God loves me.

That's my new mantra. I am good, and God loves me.

You should try it. I feel better already.

Its been too long

It really has been. I didn't blog at all during the break because...well I just really didn't feel like it or have anything to say. I was in Florida with my family and I don't think you guys want to hear about that drama. And if you do, well too bad, because it has nothing to do with this blog.

Anyway.

I've been feeling really bitter lately. I'm not sure if its because the semester has stressed me out so much and I'm ready for it to be over, if I expected to be relaxing during the break and I only did that about a fourth of the week, if my boy diet is actually producing the opposite effect on me, or if school has really changed me that much. I honestly think its a combination of the first two.

I'm working on that. When I can tell my face is frowning, I try to get a really upbeat pop song in my head to make my face soften. I just don't want people around campus to look at me and think I'm stuck up.

Other than that, I'm just freaking out about finals. I'm slowly entering an I'm-so-freaked-out-I-can't-do-anything phase. Again. Hopefully it will pass. We only have classes until next Wednesday, then exams are the week after that.

Pray for me.

Tick tock...

I love having my laptop during class. Just saying.

Oh my goodness, I'm ready for this class to be over. As soon as 10:45 hits, I'm out the doors. I have to speed back to my dorm and throw all my stuff in bags, then I'm going home, then we're all going to Florida! Its supposed to be 80 degrees and sunny all week. You can believe that I'm going to be outside tanning and swimming in my grandma's neighbors' pool.

I'm so excited to see my family and EAT delicious food.

I just have to make it forty-five more minutes. I can do it.

GOOD NEWS!

I can't even type this calmly enough to build up to it.

I'M AN ORIENTATION LEADER!!!

I got it! I got the job! I'm so incredibly excited, and its been a whole 24 hours since I received the acceptance email.

I'm so happy. There were so many people that applied, and they picked me. I made it. I wanted this so badly, and I'm SO happy. We have our first meeting on December 7. I can't WAIT.

I'm not sure if I've even really explained what an OL is to you guys. Basically, we lead orientation groups for freshman and transfer orientations. We go through extensive training all next semester because we have to know everything there is to know about this school. I had a lot of fun at my orientation, and it was so informative, so I want to be able to do that for students coming to school here next year. Plus, we get paid. A lot. So I'll ge to have fun, do something useful with my time, AND get paid?! Yes, yes, and HECK YES.

More good news, I made some new friends and hung out with them last night. The girls in Alyssa's new suite on the floor below me. They're really cool. I spent the night with them last night, even though my room is literally just one floor up. And at breakfast this morning they asked if I would be hanging out with them again. Maybe now I won't just sit in my room anymore on Friday nights like I was going to do last night.

Today I'm working on homework. I just finished writing a review for theatre and now I'm going to work on my biology lab paper and presentation. So. Much. Fun. But its going to be okay. I just have to get through the next few days, then its off to the sunshine state for Thanksgiving food and fun with my family! I'm so excited.

I really feel like I'm in a good place right now. I'm just happy.

Crazy People

So apparently there's a gunman/gunmen loose on campus.

Yes, I'm serious.

Yes, I'm freaking out.

No, I'm not going to sleep anytime soon.

Gymming it up

I am so proud of myself. I FINALLY made it to the gym tonight! Shaniqua and I did the Awesome Abs class. Whatta burn. But I feel really, really good now. I'm going to start going at least three times a week. Its most likely going to be Monday, Tuesday and Thursday when I go. I'm really excited.

Funny story: When we walked into the gym, I realized one of the guys at the front desk's name tag said 'Smiley.' When we were leaving, I asked him if that was he real name. He said, "Yeah" with a laugh, and added, "Guess what my last name is." My response: "...Face!" *cue the laughter and wild applause* I was pretty proud of myself in that moment. He and the other fronk desk workers laughed, then he responded and said, "Actually, its Happy." Smiley Happy. "Your parents are awesome," I said. This moment was also funny, because for a second he looked really confused as if he was thinking, "Wait, how does she know my parents?!" Then he caught on and laughed again.

He was actually really attractive. And his smile was beautiful. But, boy diet. Anyway, Shaniqua and I both agreed that he was more attractive after we learned his name is Smiley Happy.

So anyway, I'm finally going to get on top of my new school year goal of working out more and getting in shape! Excitement.

Also, I'm SO SO SO SO excited to get tomorrow over with. My dad and my sister are coming to pick me up tomorrow night after my lab and I'm going home because THE TAYLOR SWIFT CONCERT IS WEDNESDAY!!! I've been waiting for this since spring when Alex and I bought our tickets! I'm so ready. SO ready.

So this week is going to be good. And next week is going to be amazing! Thanksgiving...YES. Favorite holiday, not kidding. Plus we're going to Florida and I get to see my grandparents and cousins. And we get to go Black Friday shopping in Gainesville, which is the town that plays host to the University of Florida (Gators...my grandparents are diehard Seminole fans, but UF is forty-five minutes away and Gainesville is AWESOME, while Tallahassee is a few hours away and...well I've never been there so I don't know if its great or not. I'm assuming it is, but I honestly wouldn't know).

Point of the story: The next few weeks are going to be great. I'm so exhausted. I desparately need a break.

Major Changes

The title is a bit of a pun. In one way, I mean that I'm literally changing my major. In the other way, I mean I had a huge epiphany yesterday and had a major change occur inside of me.

I want to be an actress, and I'm changing my major to performance theatre.

Its all part of the college experience to discover who you are. I've always felt like I don't know who I am or what I'm supposed to do. I've never had a real "passion" like other people. Something that I did all the time that I loved and knew I wanted to do for a living. But I've always loved acting. And I've always put it to the side because I was under the impression that I couldn't do it. Not that I wasn't talented enough, but that it would just never happen. But yesterday my theatre professor had three guys come in a talk to our class about acting (he's already had a set designer and two directors come in. He's just trying to show us different aspects of theatre). One of the speakers is an acting professor at the school. The other two are his friends, and they're actually famous guys. Like, they're on IMDb and everything (Tony Reynolds and Shon Blotzer. Look them up. I talked to them. They know me. We're cool. Yeah, you jelz). Anyway, as they were talking about how they came to be actors, especially Shon whose situation is a lot like mine (always loved it but didn't think it was possible), I realized that I've been fooling myself for a long time. For so many years I told myself to forget about it and that it wouldn't work so there was no point in trying. But yesterday I saw that it was possible. And I realized how badly I wanted it. After class, me and two other students in the class stayed back and talked to the guys for a bit. Tony told us that what we need to be doing now is getting a reel together and building our resumes. That's what I plan on doing. I'm going to try to get in some student films and audition for plays. I'm going to do this.

Then I had to tell my mom. She wasn't happy, but I told her its what I love and what I want to do with my life, and I can't imagine being truly happy any other way. She reluctantly agreed to the major switch, but said she would need some time to get used to the idea. She's just worried about me getting too caught up in the business and changing too much and becoming anorexic or something. But I'm stronger than that.

I don't even have to become famous. Thats what I used to want when I was younger. I wanted to act so I could be famous. But not anymore. I just want to act for the art of it.

Lucky Day...

I definitely thought today would just be a universally good day. It's 11/11/11 for crying out loud.

I was wrong.

This morning, I woke up at 7:56. I have calculus at 8:00. Then on the way back, I decided to get a bagel and hot tea. I had to be quick though because I had an online biology test starting at 9:00. Of course there was a line. And I struggled on the way back because I was trying to ride my bike and hold my hot tea in my hand at the same time. I'd spilled about half of it on my pants and on my hand by the time I got back to my dorm, and it was really, really hot. THEN I was about five minutes late to start my test, which is five minutes I don't get made up to me. And not only was that the hardest test of my life, but I also had to rush through it to make sure I got to answer all the questions. I made a 68. That's a D (thank God for the 10 point grading scale, else that would be failing).

I'm hoping that this is just the storm before the rainbow. Maybe this afternoon my day will turn around. I sure hope so. Cause right now I feel like crap.

Interview Butterflies

I'm leaving for my individual interview for Orientation Leader in a few minutes. I'm nervous. But I honestly think I'm just telling myself I'm supposed to be nervous and that's why I'm nervous. Don't get me wrong, I want to be an OL so badly it's crazy. But I don't feel truly nervous. Not yet anyway. I probably will be when I get to the place and they call me in. But if I'm not nervous, I'll be myself. And if I'm myself, I feel like I have a great chance of getting hired. Everyone has told me that I'll make the best OL. Even my RA said I have a really good chance.

So what's there to be nervous about? That's what my mom said too. Before I got off the phone with her earlier, she told me not to be nervous, because who wouldn't want me as an OL? (That sounds cocky, but that's what my mom said, not me!) Anyway. I am a little nervous, but I think I'll be okay. I was practicing with interview questions online earlier, and I think I did pretty well. I guess we'll just have to see.

Here I go. Wish me luck!

Boy Diet...yeah.

This is harder than I thought.

Honestly, there are SO MANY BOYS HERE. I'm not used to being surrounded by...well, people who don't suck, to be completely honest. My hometown is full of rotten eggs. I now live in a flower bed. What am I supposed to do??

It is hard. I've made some different guy friends that have definite potential to be something...but then I remind myself of the diet. Plus, my friend made a good point the other day. Most guys come to college having either just gotten out of relationships (cough cough Bob), are still in relationships, or don't want to be in relationships because they're experiencing the same shock I am (aka being surrounded by beauty in the opposite sex). But then again, that really only applies to freshman and possibly sophomores, and one of the guys is a junior and he's super nice and I go to church with him which makes it even better...

STOP, OLIVIA. Goodness. I'm really bad at this.

After Bob turned out to be someone I never expected him of all people to be, I was really starting to lose faith in the male species (yes, species). But I've gotten to know one of the guys in a few of my classes and he's such an amazing person. He's head over heels in love with his girlfriend back home, so I'm not interested in him or anything (although my cousin Madison said "girlfriends are speed bumps, not roadblocks" and my suite mate Kenzie said "just because there's a goalie doesn't mean you can't score"...such good influences). But anyway, and when I make this list I want you all to understand that I honestly don't have feelings for him I'm literally just describing him, he's so freaking sweet and a lot of fun to be around and really smart. He's sensitive and he just absolutely lights up when he talks about his girlfriend. And he's attractive! He's the kind of guy every girl hopes every guy really is deep down inside. And just knowing that guys like him exist renews my hope in the whole species. There are guys like that out there. And while knowing this can be a good thing, but at the same time now I want every guy to be like him. Soooo I don't know how to handle myself at this point.

Anyway, I got a B on my second oceanography exam! Studying pays off. Its a low B, which was disappointing, but (and this is going to sound really awful...because it is really awful) Kenzie did worse than me and that made me feel a little better...I felt really bad for her because I know how disappointing her grade can be (she made the exact same grade I made on the first test), but at the same time I felt really bad last time when she did better than me and I get SUPER competitive, especially about grades...I know, I'm a horrible person! Anyway. I did okay. And after extra credit, I'll have an A! Excitement.

I also registered for classes today! There's one day that I'll have to wake up for an eight-o-clock class, which is Wednesday. On Tuesday and Thursday, I don't have class until eleven. On Monday and Friday, I don't have class until noon. WHO'S EXCITED. I'M EXCITED. I'm so sick of waking up super freaking early every day. Then I only have one day where I'll have class late, and that's Thursday because of a lab from 3:30 to 6:20. That's the latest. Other than that its 1:50 on MWF and 3:15 on TR. I'm really happy with my schedule. The only thing I was disappointed about was the fact that the improv class, the ONE class that I was STOKED to take next semester, was full and at the exact same time I signed up for bio. So I couldn't even have the professor override the capacity either. Disappointing, but I can just take that class next year.

Okay, this has been a long post. I'm going to shower and go to bed now. Goodnight, lovelies!

Busy, Busy Bee

I have so much going on this week. I looked at my planner last night and almost had a panic attack.

Studying for oceanography tonight. Test tomorrow. Register for classes Wednesday. Individual interview for Orientation Leader Thursday. Study for biology between Tuesday and Thursday. Biology test Friday. Second group interview for Orientation Leader Saturday.

And in between all that, plus classes, Wednesday night Mass, and a few other smaller things I have to take care of, I MIGHT have time to breathe.

But! There is a light at the end of the tunnel! Saturday starts the 23 hour all night Harry Potter marathon in the on-campus theater!! All eight movies in a row...oh yes. And I might actually be leaving that to go to a birthday party and coming back, I'm just not sure yet if I'm actually invited. I wasn't officially, so I'm confused about that. Anyway, then next Wednesday, I'm finally going with Alex to the TAYLOR SWIFT CONCERT we've been waiting for since this summer when it got postponed! I'm so incredibly excited!! And Friday I might actually be going to another concert with my little sister Rachal. Megan and Liz. They have cute, really pop-y music. And the VIP tickets are only twelve bucks since they're still nobodys! Then Alex might be coming back to Wilmy with me for the rest of the weekend. She can't come this weekend because her parents are going out of town and want her to stay at their house. Sad face. Anyway, then after next weekend I'll have Monday and Tuesday, then I'm leaving Tuesday right after oceanography and going to Florida!!! I get to see my grandma, grandpa, and my cousins that I haven't seen since spring break!!! I've been looking forward to Thanksgiving break since the beginning of the school year. You have no idea how incredibly excited I am.

Okay, off to study now! Randall Library, here I come...

Boy Diet?

So as soon as I start my boy diet (I like this name, though sadly I did not come up with it on my own), a guy that I've been just friends with all year starts to show interest in me. So not fair. But I'm going to attempt to hold on to the boy diet, at least for now. It'll be good for me. And if he does care, he'll stick around until I'm done.

We were playing the piano together earlier. Seriously, a guy who can play the piano...SO ATTRACTIVE. Then he asked me to go to his hockey game tonight though. I'm not sure if I should...I mean, it could just be a friendly friend thing and I could just be going to show my completely platonic support. But I don't think he meant it like that, and I'm afraid if I show up he might get the idea that I'm interested. Which I might be if I weren't on a boy diet.

BOY DIET, OLIVIA. BOY DIET.

Moving on to other topics, I have a scary oceanography exam next Tuesday. I started studying Wednesday, but I haven't made it very far on my study guide. I will definitely be touching on that tonight and really hitting it hard tomorrow (no, that was not a dirty joke! Get your mind out of the gutter!). On a more fun note, I'm going to see The Help tonight! I love our on-campus movie theater. Its $2 for a ticket (it was $9 at the movie theater in town where I saw Paranormal Activity 3!), and this movie isn't even out on DVD yet. Or maybe it is and I just don't know it. All I know is its super recent and I've been dying to see it. When you're in college, you will be broke, so I suggest taking advantage of all the super exciting discounts your school offers. They understand that you're broke and really try to help you out.

Later tonight I will post a review on The Help for any of you who have not seen it yet. I will also let you know my decision on the hockey game.

Goodness. Such complications. Life...SMH.

Goodbye, Bob

Yes, you read the title correctly. I ended our so-called "friendship" today.

He actually text me and asked about going to lunch today, noting the fact that its been a while since we'd seen each other last. So, after the time we usually meet, I text him back and said, "It has been a while. But I'm eating my own lunch, thanks." After asking if I was mad at him, I basically said that I don't appreciate being used. Even if he didn't realize it, he was using me to fill that void that being out of a relationship left. He did say he and his ex aren't getting back together, but obviously that doesn't mean they're not still hanging out and hooking up. He can't have us both.  Although we really were only going to lunch together and thats the only time we saw each other or talked at all, I don't want to be friends with someone who treated me like that. And I didn't let anything he said about my friendship meaning so much to him change my mind.

And I feel good.

So the moral of this very convoluted, unpredictable story is: be careful who you trust. People don't always turn out to be who you think they will. Especially boys. They'll tell you anything to get what they want.

As for Bob and I...lets just say I hope we both live happier ever after.

I think I will.

THE END.

Problem and Solution

I figured out my problem. I'm looking for a boyfriend. As many times as I told myself I wasn't looking to date anyone, I was just coming to college and I was going to hang out and have fun, the bottom line is that I was looking for a boyfriend. Any time I go anywhere, I'm looking. In class, when I go out, when I leave town, in the cafeteria, walking around campus. It doesn't matter where I am, I'm always on the lookout.

That's bad.

So from now on, I'm going to stop looking and falling and obsessing. I'm going to hang out, make friends, and just chill. I don't need a boy to be happy. And I can't believe I've told my friends that so many times and not taken it to heart.

My name is Olivia and I am boy crazy. But I'm going to change that starting right now.