Slow down, you're doing fine

Now Playing: Sara Bareilles Pandora station
                       Ingrid Michaelson - Everybody

I'm so proud of myself. I've actually been working on my school work and various other things that needed to be done and now I'm pretty on top of my to-do list. I don't feel nearly as stressed out as I did on Monday. I actually feel pretty confident that everything is going to be just fine. I just have my Psych homework and my paper left. My Psych homework I can finish tomorrow and I can start working on my paper tomorrow and finish it this weekend. Plus, my lab practical is actually next week and not tomorrow morning. Things are definitely looking up at this point.

Except for one thing. Homeboy still hasn't said anything to me. When I mentioned it to Colleen today, she said he's a shy guy. Which really doesn't make a whole heck of a lot of sense to me, but if she says it...I mean, she knows him a little bit better than I do. She's known him longer than me at least. I don't know. Its just a teensy bit upsetting. Just a teensy bit.

Anyway, I rented a book from the library today just to read because I miss reading for fun, and I'm dying to continue it. So I'm off to shower and stick my nose in my book now.

Via, out!

STRESSED

I had the most stressful day today. I developed a twitch. A TWITCH.

I was looking at all my (syllabuses? syllabi?) today and I realized that I have SO MUCH CRAP I HAVE TO DO OH MY GOOD LORD. Tomorrow is my meeting with my director, and I have to have all my lines memorized (which I've been working on for a while anyway, but its still nerve-wracking). I have a lab practical and a Chemistry test on Thursday. I'm going to apply to be a Seahawk Link, and that application is due on Thursday. I'm going to apply to be a desk receptionist, and that application is due next Monday. I have a Sociology paper due next Tuesday. I have to read a book for my honors seminar by Wednesday. My online homework for Chemistry and Psychology are both due at the end of the week. I have more homework due next Friday. We're leaving for SROW next Friday and I'm petrified we're going to choke on the dance and lose and its going to be 1/6 my fault because I was on the dance committee. And on top of all that, I'm having another major housing dilemma. The Village and Landing both filled up last week before we could sign up, and now the Crossing is full. Those are the only nice apartments on campus. So tomorrow we're going to check if they still have three bedroom apartments available. That place is really nice, so I defintely won't mind living there. Its called Brookstone. Its within walking distance of campus, utilities are included in a very managable rent, and there's a pool! But if they don't have any three bedrooms still open, then we're literally completely screwed.

PLUS I saw the guy from last weekend again on Saturday. Not the bad one, the one from the party. I finally added him on Facebook because somehow I still don't have his phone number, and he hasn't tried to talk to me or anything, which is making me even more upset. I thought something was possible from that, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe I'm just a dumb, naive little girl.

I've seriously just wanted to burst into tears at random points all day. Twice I almost started hyperventilating. And I'm waking up early tomorrow to keep working, even though I don't have my meeting until eleven and my one class until two.

I just keep thinking maybe this is the rain and spring break will be my rainbow.

God willing.

Disappointed?

Now Playing: Adele - Right as Rain

So I had my date with Slip tonight. We went to Fuzzy Peach and then walked around downtown. It would have been really nice...if I was even the slightest bit attracted to him.

I am a horrible person. Its absolutely not that he's ugly or anything, I'm just not personally attracted to him, you know? But now I feel like I've been leading him on this whole time, and I just feel so bad about it! He's so sweet, I don't want to hurt his feelings. But he was talking about coming to see me again, and I just...don't want him to waste his time I guess.

But what makes me a horrible person is that I'm just sort of relieved. So I'm really more disappointed in myself for being SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON than being disappointed that I didn't have as nice of a time as he seemed to. But you guys get it, right? I don't have to worry about working out a long distance anything. And we haven't been getting to know each other for very long. Its not like I got him to fall in love with me first or anything.

Okay, so moment of truth. He just text me and...well long story short this is it. This is the time when I have to tell him that I just don't feel the same way like I thought I could. He could understand that, right? But he's driving. Oh God, what if he reads what I say and wrecks and dies?! I can't tell him now. I could kill him, literally.

So maybe that's partly a joke, but still. I don't want to have to tell him. Anyway, I'm doing it anyway. Ripping off the bandaid.

Is it bad that I'm mostly relieved because I couldn't be Via with him? I mean, he met me when I was Olivia.

Horrible. I'm so horrible.

Busy Weekend

Today has been/is going to be interesting.

This morning I had a French test. The only problem is that I had forgotten that this morning I had a French test. I didn't study for it at all. I'm pretty confident that I pulled it off anyway, but I'm still kind of worried. I also had a test in Psychology. Thankfully I knew about that test and could prepare for it properly. I got an 86 on it. Not as good as the last test, but not bad.

Tonight some of the OLs are going to a recording studio in town. We're going to sing the song that goes with our dance so we have a track to back our voices up at SROW. I'm so excited they asked me to come! Not many people are going. I just love being in a recording studio. Its so exhilarating and intimidating at the same time. Exciting. Definitely exciting.

And now for the big news. Slip is coming to see me. Yes, thats right. He's coming tonight after the recording session. We'll probably just go grab some Fuzzy Peach (the local froyo place. Its SO GOOD. And its a Wilmington/UNCW staple) and hang out. I'm pretty nervous about how this is going to go, though. I mean, this will be the first time we'll meet in person. This date could make or break any potential ANYTHING between us. If we don't work in person, there will be no point in continuing talking to each other the way that we do.

Honestly, I'm not sure how well I even want tonight to go. I have so many personal issues with the whole long distance thing, especially starting out that way. But passing up someone like Slip would be...well, dumb. He already seems to really care about me, and if anything came from this I know he would treat me right. But at the same time, I just don't know if its worth not being around each other a lot. And for that reason, part of me wants tonight to be weird or not fun or bad in any way, because then I would have a legitimate reason to break things off. I wouldn't feel as bad saying that I didn't like him like I thought I could, rather than saying "its not that I don't like you, its that I don't know if it would work out." If we both end up really liking each other at the end of the night, telling him that I'm skeptical about starting anything will be that much harder on both of us. And then there's the problem that I'm going to want it to go wrong and I'll be reserved and not myself and close myself off to him just to, I don't know, protect my own or his feelings. And I'm thinking so much about it that I'm freaking myself out and my stomach has been in knots all day.

So, that's tonight. Then tomorrow we have dance practice again, then I'm going to another party with Colleen and her friends. I'm actually really excited to let Via come out again. But I'm also feeling kind of weird about that. What if I see the guy from last weekend again? I'm not sure how I'm supposed to act...

This is one reason I like being Via. I don't think so much when I'm Via. Olivia thinks waaay too much.

To end this post, I would like to share a picture with you guys. I found a picture on Pinterest that is absolutely perfect for me, and you guys will understand why! I made it my background on my laptop. I love it.

Wish me luck. <3

Metamorphosis

This weekend was...something.

I would like to start by saying that I am utterly exhausted. Its not even eight and I'm thinking about going to sleep really soon. Its so bad that I just stared at my Facebook for twenty minutes doing nothing important because I can't even focus on writing this post. I'm. So. Tired.

Moving on to important matters. I feel like I'm finally finding a niche here at school. I'm getting to be really close to some of the OLs, which is fantastic. I feel like I finally have people I can call on the weekend and ask what they're doing and see if they want to hang out.

Speaking of OLs, we had our first two dance practices yesterday and today. I've spent ten hours straight dancing, singing, and making awesome but stupid facials. But its really coming together! We've gone over six of the seven dances. Next weekend we'll be teaching the last dance and perfecting everything. Which is going to be hell, but it has to be done. We'll look good. Thats why our school wins.

Friday night I hung out with Taylor and her roommate. We saw The Vow (so cute) and hung out at their apartment for a while. I had a lot of fun with them! They were really sweet, and we had awesome girl talk. Every girl needs a good dose of girl talk every once in a while.

Then last night...last night was something. I hung out with Colleen (I don't think I've mentioned her before...she's an OL) and her friends. Colleen decided that before we left for the party we were going to that I should start going by Via. I've had lots of nicknames before. Liv, Livi, Ollie, O-liv...but I've only really ever had one person call me Via, and it was in a joking way. But Via...thats a good name. Via. Its got a really good ring to it. So I introduced myself as Via to everyone at the party. I've actually decided to try and get it to catch on for real though. Because last night, it was like I was almost a different person. I wasn't, but I just...was. Its hard to explain.

Let me try by saying this. When I got my braces off and got my hair cut, I had this idea that I was going to go through this huge transformation. I'm pretty sure I explained that to you guys. Last night, when I became Via, I felt like that transformation was happening.

So let me actually tell you what happened last night since I've been beating around the bush. We went to the party. There were actually a few guys (and, as a matter of fact, a lesbian) flirting with me. But one of them was really, really cute. I was talking to him for a little while, and he definitely seemed interested. Olivia would have been nervous to approach him or look at him with flirty eyes because she would be scared of rejection, but Via went for it. She didn't care. After I had decided I was going to try to talk to this boy, I heard another girl tell Colleen that she thought he was 'soo hot!' So I knew I had to act fast, especially because the girl was really pretty. I actually found out later that night that there's another girl (who wasn't at this party) that has tried to get with this guy before too. But by the end of the night, it was me that got him. (I would like to add this aside: you guys know me well enough to know I would never sleep with some random guy I just met, so I don't want you guys thinking that I did naughty things. Just to clarify.) Via got a very attractive boy who is in high demand to want her. That's never been me before Via.

But its not over. We came back to campus. They took me to my dorm so I could change into pajamas and grab my toothbrush so I could stay over in Colleen's dorm. We went straight into a room on the first floor (Colleen lives on the second floor) where some of her friends live. I've met them a couple of times before. Anyway, these two boys that I actually hadn't met before were causing this big scene in the hall with another guy. There was some big drama about someone's stuff being stolen and now these two boys wanted to beat the other guy up. They came into the room and were fuming, talking about how they were going to do it and where so they wouldn't get in trouble. I (meaning Via) piped up, saying that I thought they shouldn't fight because it doesn't solve anything. They tried to explain why it was necessary that they fought this guy, but all I heard was their dumb boy pride talking. One of the guys was exceptionally cute, so I said, "It sounds like someone needs a back rub. Come sit with Via and I'll give you a back rub," and patted the seat beside me. I started rubbing his back and he instantly calmed down. After a few minutes, he didn't want to fight the guy anymore. So I rubbed the other guy's back too, and before I knew it Via had completely dissolved all the anger from these two hot heads that I had never met before. It was incredible. They both put their numbers in my phone and my number in theirs, saying "Next time I need a back rub so I don't fight someone, I'm calling you, Via!" Then the cute boy rubbed my shoulders for a while, and before I knew it again I was laying with my legs in his lap, his arm over my legs and our hands laced together. We were both falling asleep at this point. I got up to go to the bathroom, and when I came back he was laying down with enough space for me to lay down with him. So I did, and we fell asleep together. I woke up again around six in the morning, decided that Via would be allusive and leave him to wake up alone. So I went up to Colleen's room and slept for a few more hours. And now he's texting me, and Colleen's friend is texting her saying he's interested in me. The only thing is he's a baaad boy. Via's confident and cool, but I haven't completely lost sight of Olivia. But there's nothing wrong with flirt texting him, right?

Sorry this is so long. I guess I had a lot to sort through. It only took me an hour to type, you know, no big deal.

Its just that, this is what I wanted. I used to be a caterpillar. When I got to high school, I was an innocent little caterpillar. Then for a few years, I wrapped myself in a cocoon, slowly changing physically and emotionally. I expected to burst out the day I went through my transformation, and I was disappointed when I didn't. But with Via...I feel like my metamorphosis is finally coming to an end. I'm fully pushing my way out of my cocoon.

Via is my butterfly.

Sweet as Sugar

You guys. This guy is so nice. SO nice.

But not in an overbearing way. Usually guys who are like this to me end up getting on my nerves, but this guy...its like he knows how to be sweet without being annoying. Like he's not actually trying hard to be nice, he just is.

Okay, I guess its time to name him. I think I'm going with Slip. Honestly I think one of the most fun parts about writing this blog has been coming up with names for boys. Which is kind of pathetic, but still...its really fun.

Anyway. Slip and I talked on the phone tonight for an hour and a half. I was kind of worried it would be really awkward, but it wasn't. There were a few times when we would both say something at the same time or I would accidentally hang up on him with my face (stupid iPhone), but overall it was a really nice conversation. Plus he wanted to talk to me more than he wanted to hang out with his friends at the party he drove them to! That definitely means something.

I'm worried though. I don't want to end up really liking this guy but it not working out because we live almost two hours apart. In all honesty, that's not that long. But at the same time, it is because when will I see him? I mean, my friend on the OL team Taylor has a boyfriend that goes to the same school as Slip. Taylor sees her boyfriend a lot, considering. At least once or twice a week. But they've also been dating a long time, so its a different story. I'm not saying it could never work out, I'm just saying it would be hard. I'm a physical person. I like to cuddle and hold hands and be hugged when I'm feeling down. I'm not sure if I'd be good at long distance. I guess I'll just have to figure out if this guy is worth it.

You never know. He just might be.

Sweet Candy and Sweet Boys

Just got a few updates for you guys before I get to my homework!

1) The OLs had a "date night" last night after our meeting. I was so excited because it was such a good idea. I'm not sure if I mentioned this before (I say that a lot...) but the gist of it was that each boy pulled a random girl's name out of a hat and didn't tell the girl who they picked. The guys got a gift for their girl and the girls got something generic, and after the meeting the social committee set up the tables where we usually eat and placed all the girls somewhere, where their "date" would meet them. But my date had to leave before we could eat (sad face sad face sad face) so they had to bring another "couple" over to my table so I wouldn't be sitting by myself. OF COURSE that would happen to me. That kind of stuff always happens to me. All I kept thinking was, "I can't even get a date when its set up for me!!" Which was more funny than serious really. But my date (that abandoned me...just making sure you remember) made two cheesecake cupcakes as my gift! I had one last night for dessert and it was SO GOOD. The other one is in my fridge. I'm saving it for a rainy day.

2) This really sweet boy has been talking to me for a couple of days now. He's precious. I genuinely enjoy talking to him because he's just one of those people that honestly seems interested in what I'm saying. When he asks questions its like he's not asking them just to keep the conversation going but he really wants to know the answer. But he doesn't go to school here so I'm not sure what's going to come of it, if anything will come of it. But he's really nice! If anything significant happens, I'll name him. But for now he's just really...sweet.

I think those are the only big things going on. So I'm off to do homework now!

My life in this moment is SO. FUN. I just can't handle it.

100

This is my 100th post! I can't believe. I'd just like to be serious for a moment and thank anyone and everyone who reads/is reading this blog. I love when you guys tell me you like what I write, or even that you've read it before. It makes me feel important, and I love you for that!

Okay, I don't like being serious like that for a long time. Moving on. I have an issue right now. I'm supposed to go down to Florida for spring break to see my grandma and my cousins. But as of right now I have no one to go with! All my friends already have plans, and I don't know who else to ask. If I have to go by myself, I will, but I'd really rather not. I'm getting nervous too, because spring break is in less than a month. Its crunch time.

In other news, the whole dance for the OLs is choreographed! I'm super excited. We have dance practice this weekend and next weekend. So stoked.

One more thing before I pass out. Tomorrow night, Doug (one of my youth ministers from back home) is coming into town and taking all the former youth group members to dinner and a preview performance of a play! But what I'm really excited about is that he's introducing me to his cousin and his cousin's wife, both of whom are very involved in the film and theatre industry around town. I'm really, really nervous. Their movie friends are going to be there, and I could meet some really important people tomorrow night and not even know it. I have to look good and be cute and spunky and outgoing and pleasant and witty and...oh my goodness. I'm so nervous.

Okay, I can hardly keep my eyes open anymore. Pray for me for tomorrow please. This could mean big things for me.

Anyway, let me try to get some beauty sleep. Emphasis on the try...

All Business

I've been so busy this week. And last week actually. But now its finally Friday! I just got back from dinner with some of the OLs and now I get to chill for the night. I'm really excited.

Plus, this coming week I have hardly anything going on. I'm so excited to have a more relaxing week after the last two. I thought it would never end, but I just had to keep pushing through. You should have seen me Wednesday. Oh man, I was crazy overwhelmed. And I missed all my shows this week! Thank God for the internet. I caught up today after class.

Also, and I can't believe I haven't mentioned this, I went to a concert on Tuesday night. THIRD EYE BLIND! It was incredible. Semi-Charmed Life is one of my absolute favorite songs in the world, and definitely favorite of the 90's. When they played that song...I thought I was going to die. I was screaming the whole time and jumping around (even though the concert was basically a mosh pit, just not as aggressive as legit moshing, so space was limited). By the end of the song, I had run out of breath so I really thought I was going to die. Ha, just kidding. But the show was amazing.

One last thing. I'm not sure if I told you guys, but when the OC had that talk the other week, it turns out it wasn't exactly about me, but it was indirectly about me. It was specifically about the guy that liked me...and how he was telling everyone we were going to go out. Yeah. I was pretty upset. But I'm over it now, just thought I'd fill you guys in.

Well I'm exhausted, so I'll be going now to curl up in a comfy warm ball under my blanket and watch TV. A little R&R. Sigh. Good night.

On Fiyah!

Now Playing: We the Kings - Skyway Avenue

I would just like to say that this weekend, I was on fire. I got two boys phone numbers. Playah playah.

If anything happens, I will post about it. But for now its not that exciting. I'm supposed to have lunch with the guy I met last night on Tuesday. We've been texting today. I just exchanged numbers with the other guy a few hours ago, so I'm not too worried about that yet. I'm just feeling really confident right now. And that started before this weekend.

Last Wednesday I went to (part of) this show they had on campus. It was a live "Group Sex Therapy" show. He was pretty explicit with his ideas, but he made a lot of sense too. Though most of his jokes related to humans being sexual beings by nature (and he was really funny), he explained that confidence is key in approaching a person of interest, but that you don't need other people (for me, cute guys) telling you you're attractive to feel validated. That really stuck with me. When you're confident in who you are, people naturally gravitate towards that. I guess I've slowly been learning that for some time now.

So I'm quite proud of myself socially. Academically...not so much. I've definitely been putting off some reading and studying I should have been doing. But I thought I deserved a semi-chill weekend. I worked really hard this past week.

On a completely different note, I used to play ultimate frisbee a lot my senior year. I tried to start an intramural team at the beginning of the year, but I couldn't get anyone together. But I just found out from someone at church that some people get together during the week and play pick up games. I'm going on Tuesday! I'm so incredibly excited. This will be good exercise, and much more fun than going to the gym (as much as I honestly enjoy that). So I will simultaneously be working on my beach body and having a great time! Amazing.

Thats it for now I suppose. George Lopez is on now, so I will be enjoying that for a little while before I fall asleep. Its the one where George finds out he has a sister. Drama!

TTFN!

Just...a mess.

Now Playing: Kina Grannis - In Your Arms

My life is one huge awkward moment right now.

I know I said I wasn't going to mention him again like this, but its necessary for my story. Zuko and I were getting along just fine, talking every day and being friends. Thats all. And I'm okay with that. Its better than nothing. Same with the friend that asked me out that I turned down (who is also an OL. Thats important to the story as well). We've just been friends and it hasn't been weird or anything.

So of course, life can't remain fair and clean like that. It gets messy and complicated for no reason. First of all, I think the guy that asked me out was telling people we were going to go out before he actually asked, because I've had two people on the team ask me about it. Which really kind of upsets me. I don't want people thinking something is going on when thats not true.

Then, at dance practice last night, I text Zuko back when we weren't doing anything for a minute, then one of the guys that is also on the dance committee picked up my phone later to be silly and saw that I had been texting Zuko. So he sent him a message saying something about "I love you baby" and "I go nuts when I see you" or something. So I of course freaked out (on the inside, because only one person on the team knows anything about me having feelings for Zuko before) and I quickly sent him a message that said it wasn't me who sent the previous one and I tried to laugh about it. I never got a text back last night. He didn't text me today. So I went to the meeting very nervous tonight. I smiled at Zuko but we didn't actually get to talk to each other.

So the meeting was uneventful. Until the last five minutes when the OC said he needed to have a talk with us. He basically gave a short speech about keeping relationships out of work and work out of relationships. He said that, though no one can stop dating from happening because they can't control anyone's emotions, they discourage it. And I couldn't help but feel like it got back to him that either something was going on with me and the guy that asked me out or something was going on with me and Zuko. Either one is embarrassing. I just really don't want people getting the wrong ideas about me, especially not my bosses. And then I thought, what if Zuko thinks that I've been telling people something is happening between us and he thinks the talk was about us? That's just really not good. In fact, that's quite bad. We won't be friends like we have been, and I was really enjoying that.

I just feel really overwhelmed this week. I've got a test tomorrow and one Friday. I'm not really on top of my homework as much as I should be. I'm trying to fit gym time into my busy schedule so I don't look like a cow for spring break, which is in just over a month. And all this relationship drama when I don't even have anything close to a boyfriend? I need to get myself together.

My life is a mess.

A Horrible Night, A Beautiful Day

Last night, two people from my hometown and one famous person killed themselves.

As I was discussing this fact with my mom, we came to the conclusion that something must have just been off with the world. Maybe it was a full moon or something, I don't know. But something went wrong.

And yet, today was one of the most beautiful February days I've ever experienced. Its seventy degrees outside, the sun is shining brightly, and I was wearing a really cute outfit with my brand new shoes. I can't help but feel good on a day like this.

Its just weird to think about. There are so many bad things going on in the world. I know that more and more every single day. But the world keeps spinning. Its not going to stop for anyone. So we have to choose to either spin along or give up. Obviously there are some people that don't seem to be able to handle it. I feel so bad for those people. Because even though there are some tough things going on in my life and the ones I love's lives right now, and even though the world is so cruel and horrific things happen daily, I still try my best to keep my chin up and smile.

Its hard. Its definitely hard. But there just has to be more than this. There has to be more than all the bad things going on. Situations will always get better, it just takes patience and perseverence to reach that point. I have to believe that.

This has been my philosophy for the day. I should write a book.