So. We talked.
He helped avoid an awkward situation by being smart enough to know that I didn't want to talk until we were out of the cafeteria. I didn't have to say anything about talking after we ate.
Moving along. After we ate lunch, we went into the beautiful wildlife preserve on campus (oh my gosh, its so pretty. I had no clue it was there until the other day, and its huge!) and we sat down on one of the benches. He asked what I wanted to say. I took a long, dramatic pause (not really for dramatic effect...mainly because I was trying to calm my nerves before I started so I didn't end up sounding like a rambling idiot). I collected my thoughts, took a breath, and began: "I need to know what you want. Because you really confuse me (he chuckled at this...I'm being completely honest, and its obviously hard, and he laughs) and I just need to know that you still want to date me at some point in the near future so I know I'm not wasting my time." He responded, and I don't remember all our exact words, but I do remember wishing I could be that cool and calm when I say how I feel. He can do that. He's very open. I like that (but I guess I shouldn't be thinking about things I like about him right now). Anyway, we basically established that...well...I'm not sure what we established. He said once again that he's not ready to date, and there's no guarantee that he'll be ready soon. Which is what I was afraid of. I told him that I don't want to invest all my time in waiting for him and he end up changing his mind somewhere down the road or realizing that he can't get over his ex and screw me over. He recognized that this is harder for me than it is for him. He also said that he didn't think I was ready to be in a relationship either, but I'm not sure why. I could be if he wanted that.
So I think what we're going to do is stop being as couple-y as we have been. We both still want to hang out, but no more kissing and cute dates and that thing. Lunch is safe. I'm not sure what else. I really still want to be his friend no matter what. He's a good friend. He makes me feel better when I'm sad. And he says that I keep him grounded, so I'm of some kind of value to him. Which makes me feel good.
I just don't want to get involved in the dirty business of getting my heart broken. That business is as dirty as dealing drugs and prostitution (other things I don't want to get involved in). But seriously, I feel like no matter what its going to hurt. Its just a matter of how much.
He'll be going home this coming weekend. I want to believe that he's going to see her and realize that he doesn't actually want to be with her anymore and he's different now and that I changed him. I want to think that he will go home and tell her all about me and, even though she'll hate my guts, she'll know. But I don't see that happening. I know he's excited to get to see her. And I KNOW she's excited to see him. I can just see her with her friends, painting each other's nails and discussing strategies of how to get him back.
So. In an effort to keep myself available, I texted the boy from the club the other night. I need a name for him...Job. That's what I'm calling him. And its kind of funny if you know his real name, but since you don't, its an inside joke between me, myself and I. Anyway, I text Job today, and it turns out he didn't get my number the other night because his phone took a bath in sweat and wasn't working. But now he has it and he can use it. I feel pretty good about that.
In other news, I was very productive today. I got a lot of homework done and started on some things I have due in the next week. A calculus assignment was due today, a very large biology assignment and a paper for theatre are due this week, and a paper for biology lab is due next Monday (which is stupid because Monday and Tuesday are fall break...whatever). Plus I took a theatre test today. One of two tests in that class. But the test wasn't difficult at all, so I'm not too worried at the same time.
Also! I finally feel competent and intelligent again! I got a 92 on my calculus test! My first A!! FINALLY! My RA (is awesome!!) has this thing called an A-wall. Its just a section of our hallway where you get to write your name on an "A" cut out of construction paper and hang it up if you make an A on a test or paper. I hung mine up today! It made me feel so good, I took a picture of it and uploaded it to Facebook AND Twitter. Oh yeah. Proud mama.
Okay, sorry this ended up being so long. I didn't realize I had so much to say. But sleep is vital at this moment in time, so I will be doing that right about now.
By the way, the show Awkward is the BEST SHOW EVER. Go to mtv.com sometime and watch it if you've never seen it. Seriously, its hilarious and suspenseful and HILARIOUS. Plus I have drawn many parallels between the main character's life and my own. If you watch the show and can see the parallels, let me know (if you're my friend on Facebook or in real life or whatever. If I don't know you, just keep the revelation to yourself or get at me on Twitter! livx3).
Tata :)
